Sunday, December 30, 2007

Films About Ghosts

Just returned from Kentucky today. My grandfather has a German Shepard puppy to keep him occupied.

It was in the 20s-30s the entire time. No sun. Mostly gray and cloudy with some occasional rain. Felt like a Tim Burton film.

He personally showed me where my grandmother was. There's a glass casing in the living room with her urn and it is surrounded by some of her favorite things.

Saw Bob, Sandra, Glen, Betty, and Mitch while I was there. Played pool. Played several other games. Ha, Bob, my father, and myself sang an entire Counting Crows CD together while we were playing games. Almost sad that we all knew the lyrics to everything.

Heh, I always thought he had a striking resemblance to Pablo Picasso.

Monday, December 3, 2007

May Your Organs Fail Before Your Dreams Fail You

Catechumenation ceremony today at Saint Mary's. One of the Sponsors, Mort, explained the origin of the ceremony. During a time of persecution by Romans, the Christians had to meet in the catacombs and initiated people down there to make sure there were no Roman spies. Anyway, now if I die I get Catholic burial and I'm closer to getting confirmed.

This entire semester has been a blur. By credit hours, I believe, I will be a junior. I'm happy with that, but I was disappointed with me and my Organic. Need to work harder.

It kills me to see people who don't care about college or people who are given scholarships and just waste them.

Even worse, people who get jobs that don't help others. Yes, I know any job can help better the world for others in some way. But are you really content staying in retail the rest of your life? Will that help peace negotiations? Will that cure cancer? Ergh... maybe I just expect too much. I want degree because I want my job and I want my job because I want help others.

'What man is a man who does not make the world better?'

I wish everyone were more passionate about their future professions for the shear purpose that it may one day help someone else.

Monday, November 12, 2007

All is Well in Hell

Keep having those dreams again. Twice this week, actually... She's always coming back... She's always apologizing and telling me how much she still loves me... I don't understand why I'm still dreaming like this... I know she's happier... And I'm glad...

Heh... on one of my late night drives I saw a doe... Made me think that maybe God hasn't forgotten about me... I can't describe how I felt. The fact that it was a doe kinda reminded me about Severus and Lily... Stupid reference, yes, but stilll...

Thursday, November 1, 2007

I Remember Halloween

Yesterday was nice.

Went as a Slytherin student complete with Dark Mark on forearm for my classes.

At night I switched costumes to my Victorian vampire costume. I added a silver domino mask and my Cavelier hat and made it more of a masquarade attire.

Leigh and I traversed the campus at night and then went to the U.C. for the event.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Cemetery Drive

Wow, I haven't updated since Big Spring Jam. I've been slacking.

Let's see...

I guess just this past month has gone by quickly. I love October. It is my favorite month of the year.

Anyway, went to the American Diabetes Association's 'Step Out' Walk.

Mom's birthday was yesterday, my grandmother's was today.

Been REALLY busy with school.

Went to the Renaissance Faire today. Saw many of my pirate brethren! It was great.

Personally though... I finally have an indescribable clarity about everything...

It is finally all making sense now, and I know what I need to do.

Accomplish goals first. Protect. Richard Cory. It's all so simple.

Saturday, September 29, 2007


Today was great!

First day of Big Spring Jam and the weather was perfect.

Got to see Soul Asylum and Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.

I'm glad things are finally winding down and giving me a break.

Thank you, God.

Two more days of Big Spring Jam and they should be great too.

I honestly can't wait.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Heart of Glass

I don't know why I'm listening to this tbh.

I was never much of a Blondie fan, but it's a good song.

Ergh, so it would've been out five year anniversary today.

Still in shock that she got married last week... Her life. Not mine.

Biotech seminar today was amazing.

Dr. Allan S. Hoffman from the University of Washington presented it.

I am so glad to get September out of the way after this weekend.

Big Spring Jam is going to rock.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Hell Month

I hate September, I really do.

I have something going on almost everyday and in the back of my mind are dates and previous events that I can't seem to forget.

Wake me when September ends.

Monday, September 3, 2007


Happy birthday...

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


Finally, things are falling into place. Moved into my dorm Friday. LOVE it. I get to be with my friends and get a degree at the same time. Here are some pics of the new place.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Even if things do not stay as they once were, there is always evidence of their existance. On a molecular level, there are side reactions. But on a personal level, there is so much more...

Friday, August 10, 2007

One Week

One week until I finally move back into the dorms.

I can't wait for fall semester.

So much has changed though...

I'm hoping to take in every moment this semster though and for once, try to enjoy myself.

Saturday, August 4, 2007


Let me give a disclaimer that this will be more of a rant than any sort of insight into life.

That being said let's get started...

I see so many ungrateful kids now today that it is disgusting.

Maybe it was because I was taught the importance of family at a young age that I feel this way, but honestly... why don't kids respect/honor/spend time with their parents?

I am mature enough to know that everything my parents did for me was out of love. I don't always agree with their decisions, but I know that they were always trying to protect me. I know this.

But today, for so many kids to bitch about their parents, it gets quite annoying really. Sometimes, yes, I know their whining is legitimate, but no matter what their blood still courses through your veins and nothing will ever change that.

Even as you grow-up: SPEND TIME WITH YOUR BLOODY PARENTS. They will not always be alive. Help them do things, watch t.v. with them, something! Do not look to them as a source of money rather than one of the most influential people in your life!

I don't care if you were given the worst parents in the world, they still gave birth to you and you still need to respect them.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007


I have finally found an outlet for some of my emotions.

I originally started it out as another comic, but then decided that my drawing abilities couldn't keep up with my ideas.

So as of yesterday I have been writing a story to keep me occupied.

It is doubling as effective therapy.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Roses are for Remembrance

Seven years...

Still trying to keep my promise.

Times are more difficult.

But you already know that.

Rest in peace.


Saturday, July 28, 2007

Science in Life: Part I

Another car crash.

Another young man sent to a nursing home because of brain damage.

Hopes. Dreams. All shattered in an instant.

The nerve cell.

The neuron.

A single transmitter connected to a system of other cells to send electrical signals throughout the entire human body.

We have been able to re-establish neuron connectivity through other parts of the body.

But why not the brain?

Why must people have to endure a life where they are not mentally conscious?

There must be a way to fix this...

No one should have to go through life like that...

Friday, July 27, 2007

Lyrics: Part V

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy

Yes, the entire song deserved to go on here. Every verse because unlike a few songs I think this one is consistant. It describes a nervous breakdown pretty accurately.

Thursday, July 26, 2007


Today I have come to the realization that nothing really frightens me any longer.

My worst nightmares have already came and past, and chances are that I have already conjured up the worst scenarios left in my life.

I feel nothing when I think of these.

I analyze each in terms of variables and probability.

Everything happens for a reason, so what is the point in worrying about it?

I don't know if this is a just a numbing phase that I am experiencing or if my mind has exchanged emotion for logic.

All I know is that I currently have nothing to fear.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Hoist the Colours High

Bloody hell I'm pissed that Pirate Master got cancelled!

I will have to watch the rest of it online now.

I swear, the only show I ever actually made time for and it got taken off the air.

I guess I can understand though, I don't think that I have ever actually seen a commercial for it. More than likely it just didn't get enough publicity to be known.

Anyway, I rechecked IMDB the other day and they changed some things. The Spanish Pirate Lord IS Captain Villanueva. I suppose the first time they spelled it they had a typo.

But yeah, I knew there was a reason for being a pirate.

I would love to just carelessly sail for treasure, drink rum, and be with my friends.

Thursday, July 19, 2007


Earlier this week my mother told me that hospice was called-in already for her uncle, my great uncle David.

I have often wondered what the purpose of a hospice was...

Was it for hope?



To me they seem like a false sense of security.

People who come in tell you that everything is going to be alright and that you are loved when in reality you are dying and alone.

Do those passing into the next life need such feigned hopes?

Wednesday, July 18, 2007


My brother and his girlfriend broke up again the other day. As far as I know, they have been in a on-again off-again relationship since high school.

I know he loves her, otherwise he wouldn't keep taking her back.

It was ironic to hear the news since the last time they were at the hosue they were talking about marriage.

I know how my brother feels, and hell, we're probably more like each other in the aspect than I am willing to admit.

I just never really gave it thought on to how we never really connected like I did with my sister.

Maybe we never really tried to understand each other or the fact that we are too different.

Family is a blessing and it's great to spend time with them.

I hope one day we will see each other eye-to-eye rather than ignorant of each other.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Lyrics: Part IV

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion...
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow
Just to prove I knew how
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all

I don't think much explanation is really needed for this.

Good song.

Good lyrics.

Basically, life wrapped into one song.

Saturday, July 14, 2007


I have come to the realization that very few people are well-rounded when it comes to films and music.

As much as I love hardcore and punk rock I still listen to random things such as death metal, show tunes, etc.

When it comes to films I'll watch foreign films as well as indie films.

I guess people just stick with what they are most comfortable with and never give anything else a chance.

Thursday, July 12, 2007


Well, I visited him today. Updated him on everything, I'm pretty sure that he knows every last detail already though. Made me feel better to just talk to him. I don't know... Maybe if he had known me he would have hated me like so many others I tend to piss off. I guess I will have to wait to see his feelings towards me are. Anyway, I talked about my promise and how it is more and more difficult to keep since she keeps running away. I think he understands, but I don't want to fail him. I always keep my promises, the important ones anyway... I asked for a sign that things are going to get better and I think he gave me one. I think I'll visit him more often. I don't think he gets much company...

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Wounds That Will Not Seal

I love how my physical state begins to mirror my emotional state. Fan-fucking-tastic.


It's getting worse.

I can already tell that my knee from tournament is never going to heal correctly.

Damn scar tissue.

It's not just there.

It's been happening a lot lately actually.

These 'cuts' end up looking more like 'burns'.

With my active lifestyle I guess I can only expect more of these.

Ha, if I ever get in a wreck I will be nothing but scar tissue.

I sympathize with Deadpool who has to live with a regenerative factor and a scared body.

Great. Just great.

I wish things would heal normally.

But now that I think about it I'm beyond caring at this point.

Does it matter?

I'm sure I'm already an eyesore, this would probably only add to it.

Fuck it.

There's always a chance that there may be someone out there that can just look past that.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Lyrics: Part III

Intending to burn, pretending to fight it
Everyone learns faster on fire
Things took a turn, lost all desire
You live and you burn
You live and...

Like hell, we are anxiously waiting
Like hell burning silently strong
Somehow we fell down by the wayside
And somehow this hell is home

Granted, things aren't perfect right now I know that they could always be worse.

Hell is not a place, it's a state of mind. Even Milton wrote, "The mind is its own place, and in itself/Can make a Heav’n of Hell, a Hell of Heav’n". My problem is that I over analyze. When I don't mean to, my mind wanders. An inquiring mind is both a gift and a curse. I cannot manage to 'turn it off'. But for right now, this Hell is my home...

Friday, July 6, 2007


I have been loyal and honest for five years.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
When you had no car I would wait for you to arrive at school despite the weather.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I survived on a diet of Gatorade and Rice Crispy Treats for an entire school year so you could have lunch.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have skipped soccer practices in order to set things right with you.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
When you were sad I would hold you and sing ‘our song’ to make you smile.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have stood up and defended you from slander several times and even had private discussions with people who have offended you.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I would always squeeze onto the edge of the bed to sleep so you would have plenty of space to sprawl out.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have endured painful one-way arguments from my parents for defending you.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
At fairs and other games I would always win you prizes to show off and keep.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
In high school I gave you roses for each important day to us.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have bleed for you to protect your honor.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I was willing to welcome a *beep* child into the world with you and raise it as my own.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have sat back and watched as you publicly displayed your promiscuous behavior around others while we were together and yet endured it.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have avoided killing or harming anything out of respect of your beliefs.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I proposed to you on Valentine’s night and loved you with all of my heart since we first met.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have worked diligently to secure a future for us and our children so that we may live comfortably.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have visited you when I knew harsh judgment awaited me if I was to be seen.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
When we made love I always made sure you were pleased before I allowed myself to finish.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
For every holiday, I have spent my last cent or even when I had no money I have done my best to present you with a gift that you would not be ashamed of receiving.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have ‘dated’ people that I had absolutely no interest in at all in order for us to be together.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have told white lie after white lie to spend more time with you.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have protected you when you were intoxicated.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
Ha, I have asked a couple for a biscuit on Winter Formal night so you wouldn’t starve.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have spent endless amounts of hours talking to you at night on the phone just to hear your voice.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
He may just be the one for you, but until hep proves himself I will always be more of a man to you than he will ever be.

I wrote this back in May and I guess I felt like posting it considering the circumstances...

What are you doing with your life...? You used to have everything planned out and be enthusiastic about your future career. Now you're just throwing school away all together to go live with him? Who are you going to help by doing that, other than yourself? I used to respect you so much for wanting to help people like me... I remember one of the last nights at the dorm where you told me to 'get over it' because she 'didn't die'. Does it matter? It still resulted in PTSD. I didn't choose this.

So what was your plan in staying up there for a few months? You going to get married because too many of your friends down here would object to it? You're going to get pregnant and you're never going to finish college...

If a self-fulfilling life is what you want, then by all means go for it. I just thought you better than that at one time...

Wednesday, July 4, 2007


Well, today is Independence Day.

Plans for the day... Have some sort of get-together at four and take it from there.

I'm going to miss my Dad when he leaves this weekend... He's really been there for me more than I ever thought he would. He's pretty much been my counselor and he understands me more now, I think. To have him all the way in Alaska is a pain, but I can still talk to him on the phone.

I hope everyone spends time with their family today and enjoys every moment.

I guess that's what I've been doing recently is living for the moment. I know more than anyone that it can all be taken away in an instant... I think there are a few loose ends I need to attend to, just in case.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Only in Dreams...

Haven't written in about a week... Things have been busy I guess.

I just woke up from another dream about her...

In this one we talk things out and everything is alright.

She falls asleep in my arms again.

To be quite honest I don't know how to feel about all these dreams.

Are they to give me hope? Or are they to taunt me with the impossible?

I really don't know why...

But for that brief moment when I actually believe the dream to be real... I'm happy.

This is certainly what Hell must be like...

Sunday, June 24, 2007


Wow... what to write. I know a few people read this so let me shy away from the specifics.

So much in so little time.

It's consuming me.

Even if I did want to elaborate it is entirely too much to explain.

I don't know what the future holds or if it even exists for me for that matter.

All I know is that something needs to change before I let this take over my life again.

I need someone who can calm me down, someone to tell me it will be alright and never leave my side.

In a terrible X-Men allusion, I need my Emma Frost.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Lyrics: Part II

Next is a trip to the, the ladies room in vain, and
I bet you just can´t keep up with these fashionistas, and
Tonight, tonight you are, you are a whispering campaign.
I bet to them your name is "Cheap", I bet to them you look like shh...

Talk to the mirror, oh, choke back tears.
And keep telling yourself that "I´m a diva!"

Oh how true. Way too many people in this world that have to give themselves that confidence by saying that they are amazing. Good God, people, get a life. No, you're not as great as you think you are, so don't act like you're special. You're not. Everyone is unique, yes, but only a select few people actually have the impact that many others wish they had.
Another thing, if I have to hear another spoiled brat between the ages of 10-25 fuckin' sing 'Girlfriend' or try to relate it to her life in anyway then I will bloody drive to Canada and kill Avril myself. No. You're not a princess. No, you're not precious. You need to be shot.
In short, be yourself. You're not above anyone and stop lying to yourself about everything to appear 'better'. SO many people could use this advice.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Lack of Focus

I've noticed that I have been caring too much about impractical things.

I need to get back on track.

I have so much that I need to be doing and on the other hand I need to enjoy life.

This week should be fun.

Let's see how well this balancing act goes.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Battle Scars

Finally came home from soccer this evening.

After five soccer games I came out with two cut up knees which at one point my leg was covered in blood (ha, it was nice) , two friction burned shoulders, a jammed finger (which I promptly 'unjammed' during the game), and plenty of bruises.

And I have to say...

I enjoyed every second of it.



I think it makes me feel more alive than anything else, but I got those injuries by helping my team, so that was even more rewarding to have physical proof that I contributed.

Ergh, I'm sore at the moment though plus I have a Cal II test tomorrow morning.

End blog.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Song for Me By Kev

She is a sword master.
nobody would kill you faster,
sometimes she gets so pissed off
so i've made it my mission to get her
to a gay bar
maybe then she'll be happy
and ill finally see her smile like she used to,
back before that skank used her
shes my best friend,
the one, the only.
and i love seeing her smile
i'd do anything that it takes
just to see her smile.

Ha, I was asked a survey question on if I ever had a song written for me and since I didn't Kevin wrote one. It made me smile.
Anyway, I will be gone until Sunday when I come back from the tournament.
Wish us luck.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007


Always a knight, never a prince.

I am loyal, I obey, and I am honest.

Never have I deceived you.

If this is what you want then so be it.

At least it will keep me close to you.

So when everyone turns their backs on you AGAIN I will be the only one standing there to defend you... AGAIN...

I'll always be here for you, just like I promised...

Monday, June 11, 2007


Yeah, this one goes out to all the people who have stood by me.

Now more than ever I am realizing how many friends I have and that they actually care.

I know I am not the most social person nor am I the most friendly, but to all those who have stayed with me... thank you.

You all mean so much to me.

God knows what I would be without you all.

I know i never really thank you all personally, but know that I do appreciate you all.

You guys mean so much to me.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Lyrics: Part I

...May your organs fail before your dreams fail you...

I was listening to a new song by The Matches when I heard that line in the lyrics. I have this innate ability to compare songs meanings to my life. Honestly, I think everyone really does that.

Anyway, this particular line caught my attention because it mirrored something I once said along the lines of, "I would rather die young and full of potential than older as a failure." So many people around me expect so much and I fear letting all of them down.

Even without the idea of the future, I also applied this to (of course) my situation. I would have much rather died than lived to see such an important part of my life disappear.

I wish this for anyone, that they would die happy and oblivious to reality rather than depressed and a failure.

Saturday, June 9, 2007


Well... I finally did it. I snapped at my mother. She has been telling me how much I have not been eating and I finally couldn't take it anymore...

I have no appetite.

She doesn't understand.

I don't think anyone really does.

I wonder if she is having the same problem...

Friday, June 8, 2007

Always on My Mind...

I can only imagine that God is being merciful to me. I have still been having dreams about her. They all seem so real... We are happy and things are perfect. I swear I can feel her cheek when I touch her face and the detail and warmth of her smile is so real... Ha, she would probably be a little disturbed knowing that I dream about her so often, but it makes me wonder if she ever thinks of me.

She is always on my mind.... but I wonder, am I ever on hers...?

When I said forever and always I meant it... Did she...?

Maybe she was telling the truth, maybe she is just better at hiding it, but I find that difficult to believe.

Maybe these dreams are something to keep me looking forward to life, or maybe they are just an excess of thoughts that my unconscious decides to focus. Whatever they are they give me hope, whether it be false and/or misguided, it still gives me hope.

Thursday, June 7, 2007


Well, another overly booked Thursday in my life. The majority of the day was spent at school from 8-5 leaving me mentally exhausted and then I went to soccer practice from 6-8 to make me physically exhausted as well.

Speaking of which, the coach informed us that as of now we are currently one of the top 20 teams in the United States right now. Seeing as only the top 25 go to Nationals in Hawaii, we have already been invited to participate in the tournament. I don't know if we will go, we still need to play this Sectional tournament next week, but I am very excited about the opportunity. Not many people can say that they won at State level, but to play at National level? Athletes only dream of such possibilities. It is amazing how sports can change your life.

Right now I am sore from today's events and just thinking about it is rewarding...

I wonder if she would be proud...

Wednesday, June 6, 2007


I feel the need to re-read some of my older ones and possibly read more.

Sad, I know.

End blog.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

High Stakes Poker

So everyone is dealt their own cards.

Some are better than others.

Bluffing comes in handy a lot.

When you're in trouble look cool and calm.

Simple enough.

Make others sweat.

Everyone has a chance.

Some odds are better than others.

They just have to play their cards right.

Just have to keep telling yourself not to fold...

That's the difficult part.

So the question comes: where is everyone at in the game right now...?

Monday, June 4, 2007

Mad House

The "irreconcilable differences" between this house and our front yard neighbors has finally reached a breaking point.

After stealing/dealing drugs/trashing the house which does not even belong to them and running into our mailbox several times our neighbors have finally driven my mother over the edge by parking an RV in front of our driveway when my grandmother tried to leave.

This made her look for the actual owners who have both passed away.

The parents of the usurper of the house live next door to her and upon hearing of my mother's interest on the ownership of the house he went crazy... A highly medicated man, he tore his house apart and cursed my mother.

There is an uneasy feeling now between the three houses.

I just hope no one tries to do anything stupid...

Sunday, June 3, 2007

On the Bright Side...

Yes, I am still thinking of her. Yes, I always think of her. And no, no matter how much I have tried to turn my pain into hate it doesn't work. I suppose I will just have to accept the fact that I will never really "get over" her. I just wish she knew how much I love her...

Anyway, enough of dwelling.

Current events for the day:

Went to Huntsville and owned on a shooter with my sister's boyfriend.

After that we saw Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End which was amazing. The pirate lord from Spain was Captain Vallenueva which is a variation of Villanueva and it was even pronounced the same way. My father who had seen the movie earlier told me that when he saw it he smiled and thought the Captain sounded like his father when he spoke. So, those were the bright spots for the day.

Other than that nothing else much happened.

I'll end it here.

I have to wake up early to get some gas in the morning before school.


Saturday, June 2, 2007


It was one week from when she started blocking me and I asked how she was doing and she finally told me...

She told me I was dead to her.

I am no longer allowed to talk to any of her family again.

Nor am I to try and contact her ever.

At first I couldn't breathe...

I can't even begin to explain the vast amount of emotions twisting inside.

Did she ever love me?

O r was all of it a lie...?

How can you just cut out someone you claimed to have loved?

Now I feel a different pain or rather no pain at all.

I don't know how to describe it.

It hurts more than anything ever, yet now it feels normal.

I would love to blow my brains out in front of her just to give her an idea of how it feels. Maybe by such a vivid illustration she could grasp what I am currently feeling.

If I am going to live like this I will no longer let myself be this weak ever again.

For a girl to make someone want to die every second like this...

It's not right.

From now on everything will be like an equation.

Cold, hard science.

At least this way I will never have to feel like this again.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Of Masques and Martyrs

What if you had the power to change your appearance and your identity and start over again new?

Would it be a fair trade?

One life for another?

There was a time when I seriously considered the French Foreign Legion as a career possibility. To have the power to fade away from everyone else's memory as if just a memory of a memory in all of those around you. Joining the Legion would have given me French citizenship and a new identity. There are times when I think that if I had the possibility to start over that I would take it, but then I worry about certain family members and certain friends that just might care that I would disappear forever.

...Or would they?

Oh, to see her face on the announcement of my death. What I wouldn't give to see that. She would mourn for awhile and of course he would play the "nice guy" role and comfort her all the while taking advantage of the situation similar to one of his predecessors. And within a week I would be completely forgotten.

But what if we were to meet again under different circumstances...?

To kill one life and to give rise to another.

Fair trade.

However, I suppose I will attempt to dissuade myself from ever doing such a thing seeing as it is irrational.

But if all else fails mercenary or legionaire both sound like potential candidates.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

From Thermopylae to Dune

Today was my "full" day of classes. From 8:15 to the unforgiving time of approximately 5:30 I had lab I was in class (with an exception of a 45 minute lunch break of course). I do not mind the Physics so much as I do the Calculus. If I can make it past this Cal II class I will have little to worry about in future academic endeavors.

I managed to finish my lab early, so I paid her father a visit. He is a great man. I am glad that we get to have these visits, and I am sure he enjoys the company. We talk about so much. Maybe she never really tried to talk to him, she said that she has, but the way he speaks seems to prove otherwise. I do not know which story to be believe on the lack of communication between the two, but I do know that he has a lot on his mind. He loves his daughter so much and only wants the best for her. There are times when I wonder if she knows how much he cares about her.

We watched a bit of Dune, some BMX competition, and all the while managed to ramble on about life and our thoughts of movies. Ha, he has similar taste in films as I do which I find very surprising. Then we transitioned to more personal topics like the topic of my nephew, his concerns about his daughter's well-being, his siblings, his attempt at Western Civ in college, and so-forth. He agreed with me on the importance of family which gave me hope that I was not alone in my belief.

I hope to make our conversations a weekly habit. We get to talk about a lot of random topics. I feel bad though because I know he probably doesn't see people that often. I wish I could visit more frequently, but I think only Thursdays will have to suffice. Even if she never wants to talk to me again I would still like to visit her father. I admire him so much for what he has went through and dealt with during his lifetime.

Right after my visit I had to hurry home and get dressed for soccer practice. We lost two of our newer players to summer school classes that they couldn't avoid during the time of the tournament. Pity. They were very talented. I believe our coach has already attempted to find two more players to fill their spots. This weekend we have to do several fund raisers to pay for all of our tournament neccessities. The target goal is three-thousand dollars. I find this slightly too optimistic for a handful of people to obtain. If we make it to Finals then we have a year to raise forty-thousand according to our coach. Once again, he is expecting too much. Another problem arises with the thought of Finals as well. If they are next year then I may or may not be able to participate seeing as I am currently 19 and this is a 19 and under team. Logically I would still be able to play since I joined last fall, but I have seen stranger things happen...

Wednesday, May 30, 2007


I woke up during the middle of the night again. Same reason as always: dreams. I don't know if they are meant to taunt me or to give me hope. Either way, I still continue to have them. Thankfully, though, they are not the usual nightmares. In fact, most of them are relatively happy. And as usually, they are all about her.

Last night I managed to sleep-dream-wake-sleep-and dream again. Both dreams were about her and setting things right. They both seemed to be plausible enough to happen under real-life circumstances. There are times I wonder if she ever thinks of me... Probably not. I meant everything I have said to her. Our common vow of "forever and always", did that really not mean anything to her?

There are times when I question love itself. I know that it is only a series of reactions within the brain, but what about on a more personal level? Can people really honestly love each other as much as they claim? I find this a troubling matter. I think that in relationships one person will love the other more and yet the other merely feigns to love just as much. I have become so skeptical recently and I apologize for that.

Maybe I should go back to sleep. She still loves me there.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Blood, Sweat, and Glory

Our first soccer practice for Regionals was today and I have to admit that I was very excited. Our team looks promising even though we will have a minimal amount of subs. Two of our players will not be attending, but we picked up three new players from a team we defeated in State. The new players will strengthen our offense primarily, so that is good news for the other main striker. Our coach even told us that we are among the top 100 teams in the country at the moment which gave us all more encouragement.

I want to tell her so bad... I don't brag. In fact I don't even think she knows that I shut-out all the goals at State. Maybe if I come back a hero from something even bigger than State she will love me for it. I find myself constantly trying to think of ways to win her approval. Pointless? Possibly, but it drives me to work harder. I remember her saying that soccer was stupid and a waste of time and that I never got anything from it. True, I may not have had the chance to play for the college team, but in those brief 45 minute halves I'm free... When I'm out on the field nothing can touch me.


In about two weeks I will be given a chance to prove myself.

We may not have many players, and we may not all be from the same area, but I think if we stand together that we will win this tournament.

Monday, May 28, 2007

End of the Beginning and the Beginning of the End

Well, I decided to join this. I have to admit this is my first time writting really in a blog/journal type thing. I'm sure this will be looked at and scoffed at by others, but I don't care. I need to let some thoughts and emotions out anyway.

This summer has been pure hell for me. God must have a sense of humor to let this continue. I still love her more than ever, and it would be much easier if I didn't. Everyone I have talked to said that I need to move on and that they knew that was 'the way she was'. But what about when we were together? They didn't see that side of her... Sometimes I wonder if I really did either. She's with him, now and she's happy. The other day I confronted her with some theories to why it fell apart and she did not want to hear me out.

First, I pointed out that she probably feels intellectually intimidated by my and not by him. Then I proceeded with examining my emphasis on the importance of family, something she hated about me. I know things weren't perfect in her family life, but hell, who's family life is perfect anymore anyway? I had spoken with her father previously that week, and I have to admit that I felt very sorry for him. He told me openly that he felt like he was just being used and that he doesn't know anything that's going on with his daughter anymore. He told me that she left because it is what she always does when things get difficult, she runs. Maybe he is right. Maybe that is what she is doing and maybe I'm the cause this time. Whatever the reason I told her that she should try and spend more time with him when she is around the area. So she said that she's tried and I challenged her statement... That is where she did not forgive me. Was it so wrong of me to try to help both of them by being honest? I suppose I would rather be yelled at and hated and my words taken into consideration rather than remain quiet and have her regret it the rest of her life. Lastly, I pointed at the reason that she blamed me entirely for: my insecurity. But I was not alone in this aspect, rather she further catalyzed it by being overflirtatious and seeking a jealous reaction out of me.

She was enraged by my theories and said she hated me... I asked them in order to fix things, not to further hinder. At the moment she refuses to speak to me. On all messengers I have been blocked and on MySpace I have been deleted. She had told me before that this break-up hurts her just as much. Sadly I do not believe that. She has someone. She can and does forget about me all the while I feel myself drifting in and out of potentially suicidal thoughts. She was right. I have become "unhinged". I have never loved someone so much, and even now when she hates me I still love her more than anything. We have done so much and I have so many memories with her, but I am afraid she doesn't even care. She knows I am in pain and chooses to ignore it and claim that it is merely attention-driven self-pity. There are times where I wonder if she personally felt what I was going through then maybe she would understand, but she doesn't even want to fathom what this is.

So once again I hear the ringing words of "move on" in my head. Can I? At this point I am clearly emotionally unstable and on the verge of breaking. Even if I did find another person I could never love them as I love her and I would be far too much trouble to deal with at the moment.

So what is this? A beginning? An end? Both? Or neither? My head hurts and my chest is burning. Thinking, remembering, loving, hating. It is all too much for me right now. Is this what she wants me to feel? Is that what this really is...? I need to focus... Stop dwelling. It's an overreaction, that's all. Nothing more. I need to press on for better or worse. She's not with me anymore. I need to accept that. But then my mind starts to question on whether I am going to go down without a fight... or not...