Hell Above Water

Thought I would update this before too much happened.

Well, the Toy Sorting was fun. I was glad to help the Salvation Army out again. Is it sad that I have the volunteer leader's phone number saved in my cell? I talked to her quite a bit and even thanked HER for allowing us to help.

I hope all of those kids from the Angel Tree had a good Christmas...

Christmas for me... didn't really feel like Christmas. I was happy that I got to go to the Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament with Danielle and my mother the Saturday before it though... THAT at least made the Advent season more apparent.

But my family... My father had to stay in Alaska this year since he had been home for the past two Christmas's. Chase was gone until 11. And lolz domestic disputes. Gotta love being home for the holidays. It honestly didn't feel like Christmas.

Had a happy 3/7 even though I kinda had to celebrate it on my own. I didn't mind though.

Went out with Leigh today and walked around Decatur. Ha, ten years ago we were wandering around the streets of Hartselle and now we're doing the same thing only in Decatur and this time I'm taking pictures! Geez, time really does go by...

The Words 'Best Friend' Become Redefined

Time for Winter Break. FINALLY. I could use a break from school, but not a break from my friends.

Left Tuesday after the Chemistry Club Christmas Party. Played Uno ATTACK!. Twas entertaining. Finally getting the club involved with more volunteer work. Worked the Angel Tree last Friday and this Saturday we're going to toy sort for the Salvation Army. Cool, huh?

Been more social now that school's out. Went clubbing/bar hopping a bit with some friends. Have to say that I enjoy it. I'll probably do that some more when I have more free time.

Went with my mother today and basically picked out my Christmas presents. I didn't mind though. I wish my parents didn't feel the need to get all of us so much. I feel guilty for having a decent Christmas when I know there are people much less fortunate...

Went with Derek and a TON of people to Mikawa for an after finals party. It was... too many people and very awkward. Things are weird. Didn't feel comfortable. Ended up sitting with some freshmen and a sophomore I only knew in passing. Most of my attention was focused on Lethal Weapon 4. Whatever.

Went with Danielle to Steph's to watch Kung Fu Panda with her and Samuel-san. Heh, it was amusing. It was a beer and pizza night. I didn't complain.

... ... ...

I miss Danielle. I get to see her Saturday though. Might also get to see her Sunday if some plans work out, but I don't know how that's going to go. I will also get to have a Jon that day too hopefully.

I need to schedule something with Leigh now that finals are over. I haven't seen her in a long time.

Devil Town

The semester is finally winding down. Classes have been going pretty well. I need to bring up my Calculus grade on this final... A in Phytochemistry. Pretty sure I solidified my A in Tech Writing. I'm coming out of Organic II with a minimum of a C. Right now my only concern is Cal B. I need it for Physics II and I need Physics II for Biophysical Chemistry.

Bake sale went well. I think we made $120 or so. Mom baked and donated a lot...

Been spending time with Dad since he leaves Saturday. I won't see him on Christmas... But he has to do what he has to do.

Got my hair cut shorter. Mom cried. Tried to make me promise to not cut it any shorter... ever. Couldn't make a promise like that. I'd be lying.

Em and Danielle are friends now. It's kinda cool actually. Weird at first, but it's interesting. I think they finally understand each other now.

Had our Rock Band Pre-Finals Destresser Night at Shelby last night. It was great. Tasty beverages and gaming. Oh and pizza and extra baked goods. But I was preoccupied with the first two.

[Two/Six Months]

Bolero

Vegas. Was. Amazing.

Okay, I really hate when people do that to sentences but I figured that was the best way to get my point across.

Phantom... Phantom was perfect. It kinda helps that the stage at the Venetian was built specifically for it. But, good God, everything was flawless. The music, the cast, the set... Also doesn't hurt that the seats were third row.

Food. Damn, the food in Las Vegas was great too. Went to AquaKnox and Postrio while we were there.

Went to a lot of places. Visited the Atomic Testing Museum to get my nerdiness satisfied. Visited several casinos: Treasue Island, Caesar's Palace, New York New York, Excalibur, The Bellagio. Went to Madam Tassaud's Wax Museum. Coyote Ugly. Nine Fine Irishmen Pub.

The room at the Venetian was huge. Couldn't have asked for a better one. Two queen beds, HD TV, enormous bathroom with a shower and a tub, spacious office area.

Gambled a little. Probably about $50 or so. You lose count very quickly since the money just kinda goes. I tried to keep it within that range so I would have more walking money when I came back here.

Only thing I wish was different was the company. I love my sister, but we get on each other's nerves very quickly when we're alone. She was wanting Joe and I was wanting Danielle. She said that we need to go back. She'll bring Joe and I "can bring whoever you're [I'm] dating at the time". Thanks, Jenn... Love this confidence here.

Anyway, I set up a guest album. Click the pic below.

Password: antihero

Enjoy.

Captain Midnight

Wake up, our past stops right now...

Finally twenty-one. Even posted a pic of Jackie Estacado to commemorate the event. If you don't know who that is then you should read The Darkness.

Had a birthday lunch at Cheeburger Cheeburger that went well on Sunday and birthday dinner at Mikawa actually on my birthday on Monday. This may sound fantastically emotional for me, but I enjoyed being with friends. Talking to all of them, just even being able to get everyone together and have a meal was nice.

Em finally met most of my college friends. I think she was kind of overwhelmed. Called me tonight and is apparently on a mission to set things right with people now. More power to her.

The Future Doesn't Scare Me at All

Not too much really bothers me anymore. It's weird. I wonder if I'm just numb to everything or if I have just grown up so much over these past two years of my life. I'm content with things right now.

School is going well. I am with someone I love and who loves me in return. My work in the Setzer lab is paying off. Sure there are things that can be always be better, but I'm not greedy. I'll take fortunate events as they come.

Deacon Jim seems to be pushing the Catholic Student Association on campus. It used to be chartered by SGA. I think he wants me to revive it... I don't think I even know ten Catholics at UAH. And I sure as Hell am not a good example of a person to bring it back. "Oh yeah, that's a great idea! Put the gay as president of a Christian organization!" Nice, Deacon Jim, nice.

Got to visit Mr. Hillis yesterday. Brought him some pizza. I never get to see the guy anymore. Just talked about life for a little while.

Also visited my grandparents. Talked about politics. Heh, I love my grandparents. They are staunch Democrats, unlike my parents. My grandmother seems to be doing better. More energy anyway. Hair is thined from the chemo. She says she is cold all of the time. My grandfather does his best to accomidate her. He is such a loving husband...

Talked to Marie last night to some ungodly hour. It was fun anyway. Can't wait to meet her. She seems to act a lot like me personality-wise.

CrisisCon is coming up this next weekend. Get to hang out with Leigh, David, Danielle, Jon, Drew, Carrie, Amanda, Marie, and Jennifer. It is going to be a well-deserved break from all of this school work.

And then... Vegas.

Hot Tea, Cold Rice

Been meaning to update this recently.

Had a great day.

Breakfast was the title. Made rice balls this morning and waited until they cooled down so I would have hot tea and cold rice balls. I love that combination.

Saw Jennifer, Joe, and Emily at Barnes and Noble today. Also went shopping with Danielle and Jon. Danielle FINALLY has a pair of brown shoes!

Right now I am watching Danielle play Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. The storyline is very good. I approve. The Sith moves kick ass.

Right now... I am just... so happy. I haven't felt like this in years. I can't explain it.

Officially Unofficial 9-27-08

You Get What Everyone Else Gets. You Get A Lifetime.

I'm in another one of my angsty moods again. I think I have too much anger for one person. Proof is my dreams. Last night I beat the shit out of him. In the dream he was trying to set me off and he did. I lost my composure and practically killed him. It was weird because there were other people there too, but they didn't understand why I hated him. They were asking what he ever did to me. They didn't know... They didn't know what he did Fall semester. They didn't know how he was making my life Hell. They didn't know how he was two-faced to a guy he didn't even know. They didn't know that he was a manipulative bastard. They didn't know that he impressed his "Christian" dogma on everyone and everything. It's people like him that make others hate the faith.

I'm sure Danielle would be upset if she knew how much I hated him... She kind of already does, but yeah... I wonder if this is how she views Emily...? It's complicated and I don't want to try and imagine that. I try too hard to see everyone else's perspective as it is. Do I do that to be fair or do I do that because I'm paranoid?

Came out to Brian this weekend. He was surprised. Honestly, he might've been too drunk to remember. But he seemed to have taken it well. He made a point that the three Villanueva kids have never really been close. I maintain that we are just an emotionally detached family. And I believe that it is true.

Danielle told me what he mother had been saying and Emily chewed me out about drinking. Seemed like good enough reasons to get plastered. Went to Thomas and Christin's party. Had fun. Had a huge hangover the next morning.

After the hangover I went with Jon to Arby's and Books-A-Million. Picked up Watchmen and the fifth Vampire Knight (for Danielle). Not too long after coming back to the dorm Derek and Anne asked if I wanted to go to the fair. We did. I think it was sponsored by churches or something. We had a fun conversation with a guy on "Dinosaurs and Humans". He gave a lot of bullshit science. We kept correcting him on a lot of it until finally we just decided to shut up and let him give us his spiel so we could leave. When we walked away we pointed out all of his inaccuracies.
Didn't have much money so I only played one game. Shooting. Won on my first shot and got a stuffed fox for Danielle. I kept finding myself missing her... Thoughts like, "She would love this" or "I know what she would say" just keep replaying in the back of my head.

Tonight she is going to go with me to drop off Kenta at Emily's party. Heh, she's bringing homework to work on and I need to study anyway. Ergh, I don't even want to think about the quiz on Friday...

What's wrong, babe? Did daddy not give you enough attention?!

diaf, you sadistic fuck.

kthnxbai.

The Snows of Shadow Moses

My father is not coming home according to his schedule. In fact, he doesn't know when he is coming home. Or rather, he cannot disclose that information. Since last week, everyone on base seems to be keeping something from the public. Dad has been given unusual hours and even been on and off an "alert" of some sort. There was some speculation from the outside at what might be happening. Russia's broken truce? A North Korean attack? I don't know... I wonder how much the GMD Program has changed since the 2004 public demo. I wonder if they are working on something else...

More family concerns, my grandmother was given too much chemotherapy too quickly and nearly died from it. In one of my April entries I mentioned the discovery of cancer in her colon and she has since been this chemo regimine. Now she has an aberrantly swollen upper lip, possibly from the new medication she was prescribed. She has her good and bad days, but recently she just appears to be only having bad days.

On the bright side I may be moving back to Huntsville earlier than expected, but I will have to wait and see before I can truly be excited.

Last Chance To Lose Control

So my Summer Break has finally started. I am trying to relax as much as possible seeing as I only have a week before I move back into the dorm.

I've been alternating between Rock Band and Ragnarok. The latter causes me more trouble because of the lag on my computer. I've only been playing drums on Rock Band since the USB control chargers are MIA. I'd only do vox anyway. I am very much anti guitar.

I miss Danielle already, dammit. The weekend isn't even halfway over either... Of course I miss my other friends too. But... you know. Meh. Hope everyone is enjoying their summer. I feel the need to pirate Jon. I'M COMING FOR YOU, TAKERU!

Guess I should read some too since I have a bit of free time. I just rather enjoy being braindead for a few days. That a bad thing?

Still, You Do Not Answer...

"It is what you do when no one is watching that defines you as a person."

Personal motto. It seems as though integrity means nothing these days. Hopefully there are more people out there trying to keep chivalry alive...

Anyway...

Too much going on for the summer. I was under the impression that summer should be a break from everything. Apparently, I was mistaken.

There is some good news though, on November 7th I get to go to the Venetian for my birthday. Yep. Las Vegas for the 21st. However, I had to promise not to drink... Which will test my will-power.

I have been talking to Emily. We are becoming each other's confidant again. I asked her of Chris knew who I was yet. She said that he does... kinda... Told me that she didn't want to be forbidden to talk to me. It upset me to think that even if he did know who I was that he would not let me talk to her. I have known her longer. And I have certainly been with her longer. But whatever... I decided not to go to Jennifer's party. I was so excited when I heard about it, but knowing that Chris was going to be there... I didn't want any trouble. I want everyone to enjoy themselves there and I know I would've been annoyed.

Thanks to Marie, I have been watching Last Friends with Jon and Danielle. Not one for JDrama, but it's good. It is funny to see so many parallels between our personalities and those of the characters on the show. In fact, sometimes it is even word for word. We watched episode three last night and it was scary that something that I had said about ten minutes before was said by the character that I connect the most with...

Freak On A Leash

Well, I suppose it is finally time for a July entry on here.

Monday was Leigh's birthday so we all celebrated at Mikawa. It was a larger group of people than I had anticipated, but it was fun. Happy 21st, Leigh!

Tuesday I went to set up for Chemistry Club at COMPASS, but appearently we don't do ANYTHING for transfer students. So Sam and I Plan B'ed to Casa Blanca for lunch.

Wednesday was... uneventful, I believe.

Thursday was COMPASS again. This time there were people. Hooray.

Yesterday... was interesting to say the least. Went to the Huntsville Forensics Lab. EVERYONE there was very nice. I had been in contact with the Lab Director, Mr. Ginsberg, and I think he was surprised to know that he had been talking to me the entire time. Anyway, had fun. Club meeting. Chik-fil-a. And... yeah. Stuff.

I am coming to another point in my life where things are starting to go well. And when this happens I get worried. That's because good things rarely happen to me and when they do I get scared that something will take it away. I feel like I am bracing myself for some great misfortune so much to the point that I am not entirely sure that I am enjoying the present... I guess we'll see.

I've Been Watching, I've Been Waiting...

Geez I can't get this song out my head. I guess I might as well post it at the end of this.

So what all has happened since my last post?

Well, Chemistry Club has kept me relatively busy. I've been going to all of the COMPASS Orientations to recruit freshmen and I went with Justin and Stephen to discuss the Biochemistry of Bugs to some little kids at the Hazel Green Library.

The kids seemed more interested in the fact butterflies taste with their feet than the fact that they can sense elevated levels of radiation. Oh well...

Ran my Tournefortia glabra sample last week. The results were negative for any sort of useful natural products. Today I hope to screen my Hydrangea peruviana and Besleria formosa. Each sample run takes about an hour and a half, so two or three a day is about the maximum anyone can really hope to do since other people use the GC-MS.

Hn... ah, yes. Went to Ooltewah with Jon and Danielle. Met her parents. Met her grandparents. Met the ZOMG Baptist Church that was about the size of the bloody Shelby Center. Interesting, to say the least. Jon promptly agreed to see me for Mass next Sunday.

Life at the apartment is nice. I know I will really miss this when it comes time for Fall Semester...

____________
No sleep
No sleep until I am done with finding the answer
Won't stop
Won't stop before I find a cure for this cancer
Sometimes
I feel I going down and so disconnected
Somehow
I know that I am haunted to be wanted

I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

In the shadows

In the shadows

They say
That I must learn to kill before I can feel safe
But I'd rather kill myself than turn into their slave
Sometimes
I feel that I should go and play with the thunder
Somehow
I just don't wanna stay and wait for a wonder

I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

Lately I been walking walking in circles, watching waiting for something
Feel me touch me heal me, come take me higher

I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

I've been watching
I've been waiting
I've been searching
I've been living for tomorrows

In the shadows

In the shadows
I've been waiting

Pura Muerta

I need to stifle my internal conflicts.

Now.

This is reality.

I deal.

The end.

Machete Conquistador

Just came back from Costa Rica Wednesday night.

Three weeks of collecting samples and enjoying myself. There is so much to talk about... I kept a journal that Stephanie had provided me with for the trip.

Naturally, though, I left out the bits about alcohol and clubbing. Ha, we all have a few inside jokes now for example, "runway".

Anyway, it was a nice change of pace and now I am back home.

Went to the Daikin Festival last night. And well... hey, at least Steak N Shake was fun! Even though I lead a life of fail... Meh, maybe I can redeem myself Tuesday or so. I just... ergh... anyway. Below are the details of the collected samples.


Essential oil compositions of Monteverde Asteraceae
· Montanoa guatemalensis leaf essential oil (3 samples)
· Verbesina turbacensis bark essential oil
· Clibadium leiocarpum leaf essential oil
· Neomirandea angularis leaf essential oil
· Podachaenium eminens leaf essential oil
See: Setzer et al., Fitoterapia, 2004, 75, 192-200; Moronkola et al., J Nat Med, 2007, 61, 63-66.

Essential oil compositions of Monteverde Annonaceae
· Desmopsis macrocarpa leaf essential oil
· Desmopsis bibracteata leaf essential oil
· Guatteria diospyroides leaf essential oil
· Guatteria costaricensis leaf essential oil
· Cymbopetalum costaricense leaf essential oil
[Include Guatteria oliviformis leaf oil from 2007]

Essential oil compositions of Monteverde Lauraceae
· Persea schiediana leaf essential oil
· Licaria triandra leaf essential oil
· Rhodostemodaphne kunthiana leaf essential oil
See: Setzer & Haber, Nat Prod Commun, 2007, 2, 79-83; Setzer et al., Nat Prod Commun, 2007, 2, 1203-1210. [Include Licaria excelsa leaf essential oil collected in 2005]

Essential oil compositions of Monteverde Araliaceae
· Dendropanax sp. “large leaf” leaf essential oil
· Oreopanax nubigenus leaf essential oil
· Schefflera rodrigueziana leaf essential oil
See: Werka et al., Nat Prod Commun, 2007, 2, 1215-1219; Setzer, Nat Prod Commun, 2008, 3, submitted.

Essential oil compositions of Monteverde Rutaceae
· Casimiroa edulis leaf essential oil (2 samples)
· Zanthoxylum sp. “Peñas Blancas” leaf essential oil
See: Schmidt & Setzer, Nat Prod Commun, 2006, 1, 201-204; Setzer et al., Mol Divers, 2005, 9, 3-13; Boehme et al., Nat Prod Res, 2008, 22, 31-36.

Essential oil compositions of Monteverde Lantana spp.
· Lantana camara leaf essential oil
· Lantana hirta leaf essential oil
· Lantana velutina leaf essential oil (2 samples)
See: Schmidt et al., J Herbs Spices Med Plants, 2006, 12(3), 43-65. [Include Lantana camara essential oils collected in 2000]

Essential oil compositions of leaves and fruits of Eugenia monteverdensis
See: Cole et al., Biochem Systemat Ecol, 2007, 35, 877-886; Stokes et al., Nat Prod Commun, 2007, 2, 1211-1213; Cole et al., J Nat Med, 2007, 61, 414-417.

Floral essential oils from Monteverde, Costa Rica
· Plumeria rubra (Apocynaceae)
· Brugmansia suaveolens (Solanaceae) (3 samples)
See: Lawton et al., Biotropica, 1993, 25, 483-486; Setzer et al., J Ess Oil-Bearing Plants, 2006, 9, 28-31; Setzer et al., Flavour Fragr J, 2006, 21, 244-246.

Essential oil compositions of stem bark and leaves of Brunellia costaricensis (Brunelliaceae)

Miscellaneous Monteverde essential oils
· Tournefortia glabra (Boraginaceae) leaf essential oil
· Hydrangea peruviana (Hydrangeaceae) leaf essential oil
· Besleria formosa (Gesneriaceae) leaf essential oil (2 samples)
· Saurauia montana (Actinidiaceae) leaf essential oil

Smashed Into Pieces

Never Again.

I'll slit my throat with the knife I pulled out of my spine.

Maybe when you find out that I'm dead you'll realize what you did to me.

[Chorus]

And if my lungs still let me breathe, Would you be there for me?

If I can make myself believe, I'll give you back what you took out.

No, I won't let it go.

Douse myself in gasoline.

So don't save me when you come into the fire.

I'd rather die than have to see your smile.

And if my lungs still let me breathe,

Would you be there for me?

If I can make myself believe,

I'll give you back what you took away.

You made me swear

You made me swear

I, I can't sleep realize all these things that you took from me.

Smash my heart (you made me swear) into dust (you made me swear)

Suffocate my mind (you made me swear)

Tear at me from inside (you made me swear)

Smash apart what you created.

How can I ever stop you from crushing my soul?

It was it was yours, yours to begin with.

And if my lungs still let me breathe,

Will you be there for me?

If I can make myself believe,

I'll give you back what you took away.

Can't seem to find any words to convey what I'm feeling right now... Thought maybe lyrics would help. Finished my last final today and packed. Went to the mall with Leigh, David, Samantha, and Emily and then relocated to the Duck Pond with Samantha and Emily. Talked. Just... yeah...

Inspiration

I have no idea what was with me today. I think out of my entire day I could honestly only spend about three hours actually studying for my Organic make-up exam that I have today. I can feel my mind wander and it is annoying.

The computer, sadly, is one of my creative outlets and it is readily available. I posted new albums on Facebook and I made a new profile picture on MySpace.

What is interesting about the MySpace picture is that all the text in the background was from an actual conversation (actually multiple conversations) that Emily and I had. It just... seemed fitting, I guess. I was initially worried because the picture I used had my bathroom in the background and I have plenty cliche bathroom pictures, so I cut the rest out and placed it over the text. Made it old film grained and... well... I think it really goes together well.

I just wish I had my focus...

Just Like Heaven

I can't keep living for a dream. That bridge was burned a year ago... I still feel like there's a hole in my chest and that a big part of me was ripped away. Can I love someone as I did before? Probably not. I'm not so naive anymore. But maybe someone can make things a bit more 'bearable'... And hell, maybe I can be 'fixed'.

So, as with Jon's entry, I decided to make a list of qualities and 'types' if you will that would be desired for a relationship. Granted, you don't chose who you fall in love with, however these are the types of people I prefer.

The Cheerleader/Model

• Extroverted
• Extremely feminine
• Very affectionate
• Pure/Carefree attitude
• Readily takes the initiative
• Energetic
• More apt to 'hang out'
• More "preppy" in appearance
• Not necessarily book smart, but decently street smart
• Willing to cook if I'm willing to clean
• Sickeningly devoted to me (Think Misa to Light here Death Note fans)

The Art/Indie Girl

• Artistic
• Once again, feminine
• More likely to enjoy nature
• "Scene" or "indie" in appearance
• Listens to similar music or at least respects mine
• Well versed in pop culture
• Fashion savvy
• Relatively smart
• Able to carry on philosophical conversations
• Familiar with classic literature

Must Have Attributes for All

• First and foremost: Love-No point in having a relationship without it
• Loyalty-Not a fan of cheating
• Honesty/Trust-Don't give me a reason to doubt you
• Decent appearance-Don't mean to sound like a vain ass, but if I'm working out to look decent for you, then I expect the same in return
• Respect for family and friends-Parents can be a bit overbearing at times, but they mean well
• Devotion-Taking time out of the day just to be in each other's company if only for a little while

It'd be nice to find a girl with these qualities, but I doubt one exists outside of old memories and dreams... Maybe when I die I'll see her again, maybe...

Always A Disappointment

Yeah, so Mom didn't like the hair. Told me to do whatever.

Won't speak to me.

Personal life. Check.

Family life. Check.

I'm two for two.

Plastered

Damn you, Quantitative Chemical Analysis, damn you. Ugh... I really don't know what I am going to have in that class. Hell, I'm not so sure I'm even going to pass after that exam. Needless to say I came out of that room devastated. I had studied a full week before the exam to make sure I knew it... shows what good it did me. I'm fucked, I know I am. So, that being said, I promptly had a bit of a breakdown in my room with Danielle and Jon in my presence. To which I demanded hard liquor and expressed my desire to cut my hair because my parents are going to be pissed at me anyway.

They weren't too keen on the immediate haircutting and said that I should at least wait until I had thought about it a few more days. The alcohol, however, was very feasible. Marcy said that he had just opened a bottle of Jose Cuervo tequila and I opted to pay him for the rest. Sadly, it was half empty (yes, I realize I am a pessimist). So, I sat in Danielle's room and drank while watching Silent Hill (I never seem to get sick of that movie). During which, I would routinely ask for a piece of paper and a pen to see how bad my handwriting got through the night. I wrote a total of four times... And the results are amusing... I will have to scan that piece of paper one day... Anyway, half of a liter later, I finished the bottle. Long story short, I ended up throwing up my guts. It's kinda weird because I remember a lot of that night. Some specifics are blurred, but I still recall everything that transpired. Danielle took care of me, Jon cleaned up, Andrew was there (heh, flipped him off six times when he started talking about BAC), and Christin was there in case I needed help changing. It's funny because even then when I was plastered, I still appreciated that I had people there for me... More surprisingly people that were willing to help me when I was like that. I don't think I can really explain it... But it meant a lot... And it still does.

Fast-forward past the hangover and to Friday. Drew came over and I got my hair cut. It was a bit of a compromise. It wasn't a "guy cut" per say, but it was short and I guess I could just try to get used to it. Once again, I had people there with me: Jon, Danielle, Drew, Christin, and Marcy. Ha, the people at the salon had no idea what was going on with so many people.

Saturday I woke up early to go fishing with Derek since the duck pond was open for one day of fishing. We talked a bit while he was fishing and I was taking pictures. Came back, took a nap, went to Angel's with Andrew and got in some studying. Came back, watched him fish while I took pics again, went to Mikawa with Jon. After Mikawa, the three of us visited the Space and Rocket Center to see the last fireworks. It was for some company party, but we didn't care. After the fireworks, we came watched Seven Samurai which was great.

Just in reflection of those three individual days alone I realize how much my friends mean to me and how much I have changed from last year. Last year at this time I wanted to kill myself, but now... Even if things aren't exactly going the way I want, I can still look back and see that there are some great people worth sticking around for if nothing else.

Shattered

What is trust exactly? Is it giving another person the power to manipulate you and your emotions and hoping that they won't? Why would anyone give another person such capabilities?

Never again.

My expectations for others have been drastically lowered this past year. And to be honest, it hurts a hell of a lot less when you anticipate disappointment.

My childish naivety and trust in the good intentions of others have finally met the harsh reality that most people are relentlessly selfish. This past weekend has only further fortified this assessment. Two accounts, actually. I feel like I am only being told what I want to hear. And... it really hurts. It hurts knowing that these people would never tell me complete truths. It hurts knowing that I used to take everyone's words as "truth". My innocence has been shattered. The blindfold is lifted. People who I once thought were great have turned out to be self-interested ingrates. Victims of circumstance? Maybe... maybe not... Series of bad decisions led them there, but outside forces always contribute.

Granted, I will only grow colder from here... I know that every once in awhile a genuine person is there. I'd like to consider myself one of those few who actually put others first. Maybe I am mistaken... Maybe I'm just like the people I despise. Either way selflessness these days is very underrated...

Let The Flames Begin

Went to the Paramore concert Friday with Jon, Tim, and Danielle. Phantom Planet, Meese, and Conditions also performed. Phantom Planet was great, I had no idea that they would be at the concert. The drummer for Conditions was pretty raw. He had some really good fills. Messe... shouldn't have been there. The lead singer looked like Elijah Wood and sang too feminine. Wasn't too impressed with their sound. As expected, Paramore was amazing and Hayley was hot.

School is coming back together for me. I'm really glad I dropped Cal B. It's given me more time to focus on other subjects. I still need to work really hard until the end of the semester.

I finished my last counseling session Thursday. Basically told Dr. Bryant that I didn't have time for emotions. Meh, well it's half-true I guess. At least right now I am not in a position where I am free to have any. A relationship would be nice, but I'm in no rush to get my heart fuckin ripped out again. I think trust will be a major issue from now on, sadly. I also don't want to hurt anyone around me, which makes things a bit difficult... But whatever. Life goes on. You don't need another person to survive anyway, right...?

But What Should I Do Once I Know Everything?

More eventful Spring Break than I had anticipated.

The day after Fort Payne, I went for Confession. It was actually less painful than I had anticipated. In a way I almost felt comforted... Absolution isn't bad either. Had lunch with my sponsor. Did my penance. I had some down time between then and Holy Thursday service so I called a few people up and went to Monte Sano.

Me, Anne, Derek, and Stephanie all went up there. Had a blast. Got in a lot of playtime with my machete. Towards the end of our walk/hike Derek found a snake and kept it for the remainder of the walk/hike. Didn't have enough time to go back to the dorms for my car, so Anne drove me to Saint Mary's and we all went to Holy Thursday service. It was great. Went back home that night.

My grandmother's condition got worse. Spent a few hours with her at the hospital. It tore me apart to see her like that. It reminded me so much of my other grandmother last year when she was in ICU. Oxygen, antibiotic, saline, and morphine. She was drifting in and out of consciousness, but she was still aware of her surroundings. Went to Good Friday service and stayed up here.

Saturday night I got confirmed at the Easter Vigil mass. Mom was still upset when I saw her before the service. She was crying... I hate seeing my mother upset... It makes me feel so helpless.

News came back and the tumor that was on my grandmother's colon was malignant.

Got a call from Mom today saying that there was no sign of the cancer spreading anywhere else, so my grandmother should be alright. So, I am very grateful for that. Right now I am worked hard until Friday when I get to go to the Paramore concert. That should be some incentive.

Fisherman's Horizon

Came home a little after midnight last night from a day of fishing in Fort Payne. Even though it was really windy and the water was choppy from the waves, I really enjoyed myself. Met Andrew's student, Adam. Andrew, Derek, Joey, Nick, Adam, and myself spent the entire day fishing. Not much was caught. Andrew was the only one of us to catch a crappie.

When I finally came back home Mom told me that my grandmother was sick and dehydrating. She got admitted to the hospital today... I lost my other grandmother last year during this month, but she had been sick. This... was just all of a sudden. I hope it's nothing serious...

This week is also Holy Week. Maunday Thursday, Good Friday, Easter Vigil... I still need to go to confession before Saturday night...

Of Rockstars and Rosaries

First off, it's about bloody time for Spring Break to start. I HATE Spring semester's endlessness.

So let's see, I had to finally drop Cal B. It took up too much time and I was not getting anywhere with it. I think my other classes could use some more time since I had been neglecting them for Cal B time.

I did some hardcore uber studying last night with my organic. It consisted of a God list of reactions I created, old exams, a 16 oz Rockstar, and a 24 ZOMG-sized Rockstar that resembled the diethyl ether canisters we use in Organic lab. Felt alright about the exam, but we'll see.

Chemistry Club is OFFICIALLY SGA approved and rechartered so rock on, guys. The bake sale went well and we should probably work on getting shirts ordered soon.

Picked my Catholic name that will be used next week. The point of choosing a confirmation name is to pay homage to that saint and well... here (Wikipedia ftw): "...It is customary for a person being confirmed in the Roman Catholic Church (and some Anglican dioceses) to adopt the name of a saint with whom he/she feels a special affinity, thus securing an additional patron saint to be his/her protector and guide. "

Sadly since I am female I could not use Saint Jude, so I chose Saint Alice (Alix). I think I am just as familiar with humility and suffering as she was; and through it all, still knowing that God is there.

Easter Vigil is next week and I still need to go to Confession before I go. THAT will be a fun conversation... So meh, well it's 6:06 and I need to get to bed.

P.S. I went on another drive today since the weather was nice. Visited Monte Sano and Maple Hill.

Mad World

Well, Midterms came and went already. Looks like I may have to drop Cal B if I didn't so well on this exam. I feel like I am constantly busy. Organic exam next week. Spring Break is too far away. Dad's birthday was the 4th, Jen's is the 16th. My grandmother's one year is the 10th and Mr. G's is the 14th. Paramore concert is the 28th.

Today SGA went to the capitol for Higher Education Day. Fourteen percent tuition increase and faculty cuts? No thank you. Property tax, not income tax. Alabama has an INSANELY low property tax and that is probably why some of our funding suffers. Ugh, I did not want to go into politics in this blog, but whatever.

All systems go on Costa Rica. Passport arrived last week.

Bought a To Write Love on Her Arms shirt. Meh, I liked the one that had Paramore's 'We Are Broken' on the inside. That organization is for a good cause, it helps depression patients.

Mr. Adrian bought me my Arrrgyle shirt from woot! shirts. THANK YOU, ANDREW! The shirt is pirate-y goodness.

Addressed a few things that were bothering me. Talking things out and telling other people how I feel is never easy for me, but I need to get into the habit of it.

"I think all of our Moms would kill us."

I have come to the conclusion that in order to properly live one's life that random shit must be done every so often to ensure that one is still alive.

Last night was just that.

After a night of studying and Steak-n-Shake after kidnapping Jon, we (Jon, Danielle, and myself) went driving. We went to Monte Sano at 2 a.m. and parked on a curb overlooking the city. Everything looked inferior from where we stood. Danielle had already switched into her pajamas before we left, so I gave her my shoes and took off my socks and jacket. The rain was pouring. But, that view... for the three of us... It was worth it.

After Monte Sano we visited Maple Hill where I do my almsgiving for Lent. It looked so much different at night. We came back around 3:45 or so. It was glorious.

Seize The Day

Good news and bad news. Good news: the Chemistry Club is coming back full force and I love all of the other officers. Bad news: midterms are coming up and I need to work my ass off for them. Then again though, last year I was more worried about midterms than I was finals. We'll see how things turn out.

Played around with the video that I was making for '07 fall semester/ '08 spring semester. It bothered me how there was no video for the fall semester bit, so I made it just spring semester. I know I will cut it up before the semester is finished, but this is what it looks like right now. Enjoy.

021408

The concert on the 2nd was great. I had fun and it was nice for everyone to be together. Since then I've been just trying to survive classes, myself, and the ever present problems that encompass the lives of college students.

Still waiting on Dr. Johnson to email me about the lab. I should probably check to see if he has the right email for me. I'd hate to be waiting and he's already started.

Costa Rica is a sure thing too. Sent off for my passport on Monday. I'll check the status of it in a couple of days. Credit hours and being able to be on the beach/rainforest with Nick and Andrew. Sounds like fun to me.

Ugh, I've been in a terribly poetic mood lately. Disgusting really, expecially since that isn't my forte. Thought I'd put it on here to just get it out of my system. The verses have been running through my head. The more I think about the lines the more I think it sounds like some retarded emo poem, but I couldn't find any other way to express the thoughts. And no, this isn't about her. (I'm not David.) But I;d be lying if I said she didn't influence it, because she did. Anyway, whatever.

____

Bitter breezes sent the fallen leaves asunder ripping the concrete as they passed,
Their bodies: breaking, rather screaming in agony with each pass.
The barren trees did too seem to shake from the frigid air.
Heavy, frozen, and tired I gazed upon the tranquil site.
Our sanctuary, our home, our secret place,
Images flooded my mind and smiles haunted me as I took in the night air,
Slowly, deliberately I trace my thumb against your image and allow time to take me back.
We had waltzed in the snow and kissed under the stars exchanging vows of endless love.
Childish naivety.
Locked and swaying feel my body’s urge to collide with the black water.
To fade, to embrace, oh the promises the lake could fulfill.
Again the wind sweeps the beauty of yesterday across the murky terrain,
This time, however, the air pulls me with it,
Something warm, something foreign, yet all too familiar streams,
And upon examination I noticed the droplets were neither from sweat nor blood,
But rather they were the most painful of sacrifice trinity: tears.
I curse the vacant sky.
Who are you to say that there are no demons that burn for absolution, nor angels who deceive?





Happy Valentine's Day...

Long Time Since I've Seen You Smile

Well, school is clearly back in session since I haven't posted a new blog in about a month. Classes are going well, I suppose. I need to spend more time with my Cal B though, since I have been pushing it aside for everything else.

On a more personal level, I suppose I am doing a better job maintaining my composure in general. Still the regular dreams of her coming back. I try to ignore them now. Keeping myself busy is effective in avoiding those thoughts. Had a new one the night of the 22nd. I felt myself fall from some high scaffold and then shatter. My counselor said that it could have symbolised a time when I felt like I had fallen from a high position. I honestly don't know how important/relevant dreams are. And I hate how cliche this sounds, but I guess my 'soul' was leaving the body and I was being pulled up by some force. The death itself didn't frighten me. All I remember saying was that, 'I need more time...'

Dying without being able to help people is probably the most troubling thought I have. I got my research lab and to be honest, I will probably stay with it until I graduate. I promised I would dedicate my life to this project, and I will.

Ugh, emotional spiel aside, I have been trying to balance the rest of my life out as well as possible. Went to Fort Payne with Andrew and Nick two weeks ago...? Met Andrew's father and then Nick's mother made us dinner. Gym last night with Danielle. Lunch with Stephanie today. Dinner and movie with Van tonight. Lunch, possibly, with Leigh tomorrow. Attempting to spend time with friends when possible, going to the gym twice a week, R.C.I.A. every Wednesday and Mass every Sunday. Feels like a high-wire act sometimes, but it makes the days worth getting through.

God Help the Outcasts

A New Year...

Praying that it will be an improvement from last year.

Talked to her. I miss talking to her, actually. That is, when she isn't on the topic of religion. Her views have changed, I suppose. On the first day of the New Year we had our little disagreement... Condemnation. Used to it, by now... It just hurts most of all coming from her. I still love her. I will ALWAYS love her. I didn't choose this. I didn't choose to be born this way.

I wish someone would just tell me that it's okay to be myself.

It would be so much easier to live with myself if I didn't believe. But I do... And I'm not quite sure how God judges.

Went to The Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament. My parents bought me a pendant of my patron saint: Saint Jude-The Saint of Hopelessness/Lost Causes. I thought considering my situation that he was fitting.