Thursday, May 31, 2007

From Thermopylae to Dune

Today was my "full" day of classes. From 8:15 to the unforgiving time of approximately 5:30 I had lab I was in class (with an exception of a 45 minute lunch break of course). I do not mind the Physics so much as I do the Calculus. If I can make it past this Cal II class I will have little to worry about in future academic endeavors.

I managed to finish my lab early, so I paid her father a visit. He is a great man. I am glad that we get to have these visits, and I am sure he enjoys the company. We talk about so much. Maybe she never really tried to talk to him, she said that she has, but the way he speaks seems to prove otherwise. I do not know which story to be believe on the lack of communication between the two, but I do know that he has a lot on his mind. He loves his daughter so much and only wants the best for her. There are times when I wonder if she knows how much he cares about her.

We watched a bit of Dune, some BMX competition, and all the while managed to ramble on about life and our thoughts of movies. Ha, he has similar taste in films as I do which I find very surprising. Then we transitioned to more personal topics like the topic of my nephew, his concerns about his daughter's well-being, his siblings, his attempt at Western Civ in college, and so-forth. He agreed with me on the importance of family which gave me hope that I was not alone in my belief.

I hope to make our conversations a weekly habit. We get to talk about a lot of random topics. I feel bad though because I know he probably doesn't see people that often. I wish I could visit more frequently, but I think only Thursdays will have to suffice. Even if she never wants to talk to me again I would still like to visit her father. I admire him so much for what he has went through and dealt with during his lifetime.

Right after my visit I had to hurry home and get dressed for soccer practice. We lost two of our newer players to summer school classes that they couldn't avoid during the time of the tournament. Pity. They were very talented. I believe our coach has already attempted to find two more players to fill their spots. This weekend we have to do several fund raisers to pay for all of our tournament neccessities. The target goal is three-thousand dollars. I find this slightly too optimistic for a handful of people to obtain. If we make it to Finals then we have a year to raise forty-thousand according to our coach. Once again, he is expecting too much. Another problem arises with the thought of Finals as well. If they are next year then I may or may not be able to participate seeing as I am currently 19 and this is a 19 and under team. Logically I would still be able to play since I joined last fall, but I have seen stranger things happen...

Wednesday, May 30, 2007


I woke up during the middle of the night again. Same reason as always: dreams. I don't know if they are meant to taunt me or to give me hope. Either way, I still continue to have them. Thankfully, though, they are not the usual nightmares. In fact, most of them are relatively happy. And as usually, they are all about her.

Last night I managed to sleep-dream-wake-sleep-and dream again. Both dreams were about her and setting things right. They both seemed to be plausible enough to happen under real-life circumstances. There are times I wonder if she ever thinks of me... Probably not. I meant everything I have said to her. Our common vow of "forever and always", did that really not mean anything to her?

There are times when I question love itself. I know that it is only a series of reactions within the brain, but what about on a more personal level? Can people really honestly love each other as much as they claim? I find this a troubling matter. I think that in relationships one person will love the other more and yet the other merely feigns to love just as much. I have become so skeptical recently and I apologize for that.

Maybe I should go back to sleep. She still loves me there.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Blood, Sweat, and Glory

Our first soccer practice for Regionals was today and I have to admit that I was very excited. Our team looks promising even though we will have a minimal amount of subs. Two of our players will not be attending, but we picked up three new players from a team we defeated in State. The new players will strengthen our offense primarily, so that is good news for the other main striker. Our coach even told us that we are among the top 100 teams in the country at the moment which gave us all more encouragement.

I want to tell her so bad... I don't brag. In fact I don't even think she knows that I shut-out all the goals at State. Maybe if I come back a hero from something even bigger than State she will love me for it. I find myself constantly trying to think of ways to win her approval. Pointless? Possibly, but it drives me to work harder. I remember her saying that soccer was stupid and a waste of time and that I never got anything from it. True, I may not have had the chance to play for the college team, but in those brief 45 minute halves I'm free... When I'm out on the field nothing can touch me.


In about two weeks I will be given a chance to prove myself.

We may not have many players, and we may not all be from the same area, but I think if we stand together that we will win this tournament.

Monday, May 28, 2007

End of the Beginning and the Beginning of the End

Well, I decided to join this. I have to admit this is my first time writting really in a blog/journal type thing. I'm sure this will be looked at and scoffed at by others, but I don't care. I need to let some thoughts and emotions out anyway.

This summer has been pure hell for me. God must have a sense of humor to let this continue. I still love her more than ever, and it would be much easier if I didn't. Everyone I have talked to said that I need to move on and that they knew that was 'the way she was'. But what about when we were together? They didn't see that side of her... Sometimes I wonder if I really did either. She's with him, now and she's happy. The other day I confronted her with some theories to why it fell apart and she did not want to hear me out.

First, I pointed out that she probably feels intellectually intimidated by my and not by him. Then I proceeded with examining my emphasis on the importance of family, something she hated about me. I know things weren't perfect in her family life, but hell, who's family life is perfect anymore anyway? I had spoken with her father previously that week, and I have to admit that I felt very sorry for him. He told me openly that he felt like he was just being used and that he doesn't know anything that's going on with his daughter anymore. He told me that she left because it is what she always does when things get difficult, she runs. Maybe he is right. Maybe that is what she is doing and maybe I'm the cause this time. Whatever the reason I told her that she should try and spend more time with him when she is around the area. So she said that she's tried and I challenged her statement... That is where she did not forgive me. Was it so wrong of me to try to help both of them by being honest? I suppose I would rather be yelled at and hated and my words taken into consideration rather than remain quiet and have her regret it the rest of her life. Lastly, I pointed at the reason that she blamed me entirely for: my insecurity. But I was not alone in this aspect, rather she further catalyzed it by being overflirtatious and seeking a jealous reaction out of me.

She was enraged by my theories and said she hated me... I asked them in order to fix things, not to further hinder. At the moment she refuses to speak to me. On all messengers I have been blocked and on MySpace I have been deleted. She had told me before that this break-up hurts her just as much. Sadly I do not believe that. She has someone. She can and does forget about me all the while I feel myself drifting in and out of potentially suicidal thoughts. She was right. I have become "unhinged". I have never loved someone so much, and even now when she hates me I still love her more than anything. We have done so much and I have so many memories with her, but I am afraid she doesn't even care. She knows I am in pain and chooses to ignore it and claim that it is merely attention-driven self-pity. There are times where I wonder if she personally felt what I was going through then maybe she would understand, but she doesn't even want to fathom what this is.

So once again I hear the ringing words of "move on" in my head. Can I? At this point I am clearly emotionally unstable and on the verge of breaking. Even if I did find another person I could never love them as I love her and I would be far too much trouble to deal with at the moment.

So what is this? A beginning? An end? Both? Or neither? My head hurts and my chest is burning. Thinking, remembering, loving, hating. It is all too much for me right now. Is this what she wants me to feel? Is that what this really is...? I need to focus... Stop dwelling. It's an overreaction, that's all. Nothing more. I need to press on for better or worse. She's not with me anymore. I need to accept that. But then my mind starts to question on whether I am going to go down without a fight... or not...