Only in Dreams...

Haven't written in about a week... Things have been busy I guess.

I just woke up from another dream about her...

In this one we talk things out and everything is alright.

She falls asleep in my arms again.

To be quite honest I don't know how to feel about all these dreams.

Are they to give me hope? Or are they to taunt me with the impossible?

I really don't know why...

But for that brief moment when I actually believe the dream to be real... I'm happy.

This is certainly what Hell must be like...

Hellfire

Wow... what to write. I know a few people read this so let me shy away from the specifics.

So much in so little time.

It's consuming me.

Even if I did want to elaborate it is entirely too much to explain.

I don't know what the future holds or if it even exists for me for that matter.

All I know is that something needs to change before I let this take over my life again.

I need someone who can calm me down, someone to tell me it will be alright and never leave my side.

In a terrible X-Men allusion, I need my Emma Frost.

Lyrics: Part II

Next is a trip to the, the ladies room in vain, and
I bet you just can´t keep up with these fashionistas, and
Tonight, tonight you are, you are a whispering campaign.
I bet to them your name is "Cheap", I bet to them you look like shh...

Talk to the mirror, oh, choke back tears.
And keep telling yourself that "I´m a diva!"

Oh how true. Way too many people in this world that have to give themselves that confidence by saying that they are amazing. Good God, people, get a life. No, you're not as great as you think you are, so don't act like you're special. You're not. Everyone is unique, yes, but only a select few people actually have the impact that many others wish they had.

Another thing, if I have to hear another spoiled brat between the ages of 10-25 fuckin' sing 'Girlfriend' or try to relate it to her life in anyway then I will bloody drive to Canada and kill Avril myself. No. You're not a princess. No, you're not precious. You need to be shot.

In short, be yourself. You're not above anyone and stop lying to yourself about everything to appear 'better'. SO many people could use this advice.

Lack of Focus

I've noticed that I have been caring too much about impractical things.

I need to get back on track.

I have so much that I need to be doing and on the other hand I need to enjoy life.

This week should be fun.

Let's see how well this balancing act goes.

Battle Scars

Finally came home from soccer this evening.

After five soccer games I came out with two cut up knees which at one point my leg was covered in blood (ha, it was nice) , two friction burned shoulders, a jammed finger (which I promptly 'unjammed' during the game), and plenty of bruises.

And I have to say...

I enjoyed every second of it.

Masochist?

Maybe.

I think it makes me feel more alive than anything else, but I got those injuries by helping my team, so that was even more rewarding to have physical proof that I contributed.

Ergh, I'm sore at the moment though plus I have a Cal II test tomorrow morning.

End blog.

Song for Me By Kev

She is a sword master.
nobody would kill you faster,
sometimes she gets so pissed off
so i've made it my mission to get her
to a gay bar
maybe then she'll be happy
and ill finally see her smile like she used to,
back before that skank used her
shes my best friend,
the one, the only.
and i love seeing her smile
i'd do anything that it takes
just to see her smile.

Ha, I was asked a survey question on if I ever had a song written for me and since I didn't Kevin wrote one. It made me smile.

Anyway, I will be gone until Sunday when I come back from the tournament.

Wish us luck.

Always...

Always a knight, never a prince.

I am loyal, I obey, and I am honest.

Never have I deceived you.

If this is what you want then so be it.

At least it will keep me close to you.

So when everyone turns their backs on you AGAIN I will be the only one standing there to defend you... AGAIN...

I'll always be here for you, just like I promised...

Friends

Yeah, this one goes out to all the people who have stood by me.

Now more than ever I am realizing how many friends I have and that they actually care.

I know I am not the most social person nor am I the most friendly, but to all those who have stayed with me... thank you.

You all mean so much to me.

God knows what I would be without you all.

I know i never really thank you all personally, but know that I do appreciate you all.

You guys mean so much to me.

Lyrics: Part I

...May your organs fail before your dreams fail you...

I was listening to a new song by The Matches when I heard that line in the lyrics. I have this innate ability to compare songs meanings to my life. Honestly, I think everyone really does that.

Anyway, this particular line caught my attention because it mirrored something I once said along the lines of, "I would rather die young and full of potential than older as a failure." So many people around me expect so much and I fear letting all of them down.

Even without the idea of the future, I also applied this to (of course) my situation. I would have much rather died than lived to see such an important part of my life disappear.

I wish this for anyone, that they would die happy and oblivious to reality rather than depressed and a failure.

Breaking

Well... I finally did it. I snapped at my mother. She has been telling me how much I have not been eating and I finally couldn't take it anymore...

I have no appetite.

She doesn't understand.

I don't think anyone really does.

I wonder if she is having the same problem...

Always on My Mind...

I can only imagine that God is being merciful to me. I have still been having dreams about her. They all seem so real... We are happy and things are perfect. I swear I can feel her cheek when I touch her face and the detail and warmth of her smile is so real... Ha, she would probably be a little disturbed knowing that I dream about her so often, but it makes me wonder if she ever thinks of me.

She is always on my mind.... but I wonder, am I ever on hers...?

When I said forever and always I meant it... Did she...?

Maybe she was telling the truth, maybe she is just better at hiding it, but I find that difficult to believe.

Maybe these dreams are something to keep me looking forward to life, or maybe they are just an excess of thoughts that my unconscious decides to focus. Whatever they are they give me hope, whether it be false and/or misguided, it still gives me hope.

Hectic

Well, another overly booked Thursday in my life. The majority of the day was spent at school from 8-5 leaving me mentally exhausted and then I went to soccer practice from 6-8 to make me physically exhausted as well.

Speaking of which, the coach informed us that as of now we are currently one of the top 20 teams in the United States right now. Seeing as only the top 25 go to Nationals in Hawaii, we have already been invited to participate in the tournament. I don't know if we will go, we still need to play this Sectional tournament next week, but I am very excited about the opportunity. Not many people can say that they won at State level, but to play at National level? Athletes only dream of such possibilities. It is amazing how sports can change your life.

Right now I am sore from today's events and just thinking about it is rewarding...

I wonder if she would be proud...

Comics

I feel the need to re-read some of my older ones and possibly read more.

Sad, I know.

End blog.

High Stakes Poker

So everyone is dealt their own cards.

Some are better than others.

Bluffing comes in handy a lot.

When you're in trouble look cool and calm.

Simple enough.

Make others sweat.

Everyone has a chance.

Some odds are better than others.

They just have to play their cards right.

Just have to keep telling yourself not to fold...

That's the difficult part.

So the question comes: where is everyone at in the game right now...?

Mad House

The "irreconcilable differences" between this house and our front yard neighbors has finally reached a breaking point.

After stealing/dealing drugs/trashing the house which does not even belong to them and running into our mailbox several times our neighbors have finally driven my mother over the edge by parking an RV in front of our driveway when my grandmother tried to leave.

This made her look for the actual owners who have both passed away.

The parents of the usurper of the house live next door to her and upon hearing of my mother's interest on the ownership of the house he went crazy... A highly medicated man, he tore his house apart and cursed my mother.

There is an uneasy feeling now between the three houses.

I just hope no one tries to do anything stupid...

On the Bright Side...

Yes, I am still thinking of her. Yes, I always think of her. And no, no matter how much I have tried to turn my pain into hate it doesn't work. I suppose I will just have to accept the fact that I will never really "get over" her. I just wish she knew how much I love her...

Anyway, enough of dwelling.

Current events for the day:

Went to Huntsville and owned on a shooter with my sister's boyfriend.

After that we saw Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End which was amazing. The pirate lord from Spain was Captain Vallenueva which is a variation of Villanueva and it was even pronounced the same way. My father who had seen the movie earlier told me that when he saw it he smiled and thought the Captain sounded like his father when he spoke. So, those were the bright spots for the day.

Other than that nothing else much happened.

I'll end it here.

I have to wake up early to get some gas in the morning before school.

Lame.

Numb

It was one week from when she started blocking me and I asked how she was doing and she finally told me...

She told me I was dead to her.

I am no longer allowed to talk to any of her family again.

Nor am I to try and contact her ever.

At first I couldn't breathe...

I can't even begin to explain the vast amount of emotions twisting inside.

Did she ever love me?

O r was all of it a lie...?

How can you just cut out someone you claimed to have loved?

Now I feel a different pain or rather no pain at all.

I don't know how to describe it.

It hurts more than anything ever, yet now it feels normal.

I would love to blow my brains out in front of her just to give her an idea of how it feels. Maybe by such a vivid illustration she could grasp what I am currently feeling.

If I am going to live like this I will no longer let myself be this weak ever again.

For a girl to make someone want to die every second like this...

It's not right.

From now on everything will be like an equation.

Cold, hard science.

At least this way I will never have to feel like this again.

Of Masques and Martyrs

What if you had the power to change your appearance and your identity and start over again new?

Would it be a fair trade?

One life for another?

There was a time when I seriously considered the French Foreign Legion as a career possibility. To have the power to fade away from everyone else's memory as if just a memory of a memory in all of those around you. Joining the Legion would have given me French citizenship and a new identity. There are times when I think that if I had the possibility to start over that I would take it, but then I worry about certain family members and certain friends that just might care that I would disappear forever.

...Or would they?

Oh, to see her face on the announcement of my death. What I wouldn't give to see that. She would mourn for awhile and of course he would play the "nice guy" role and comfort her all the while taking advantage of the situation similar to one of his predecessors. And within a week I would be completely forgotten.

But what if we were to meet again under different circumstances...?

To kill one life and to give rise to another.

Fair trade.

However, I suppose I will attempt to dissuade myself from ever doing such a thing seeing as it is irrational.

But if all else fails mercenary or legionaire both sound like potential candidates.