Therapy

I have finally found an outlet for some of my emotions.

I originally started it out as another comic, but then decided that my drawing abilities couldn't keep up with my ideas.

So as of yesterday I have been writing a story to keep me occupied.

It is doubling as effective therapy.

Roses are for Remembrance

Seven years...

Still trying to keep my promise.

Times are more difficult.

But you already know that.

Rest in peace.

Z.L.H.

Science in Life: Part I

Another car crash.

Another young man sent to a nursing home because of brain damage.

Hopes. Dreams. All shattered in an instant.

The nerve cell.

The neuron.

A single transmitter connected to a system of other cells to send electrical signals throughout the entire human body.

We have been able to re-establish neuron connectivity through other parts of the body.

But why not the brain?

Why must people have to endure a life where they are not mentally conscious?

There must be a way to fix this...

No one should have to go through life like that...

Lyrics: Part V

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Probably

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

Yes, the entire song deserved to go on here. Every verse because unlike a few songs I think this one is consistant. It describes a nervous breakdown pretty accurately.

Fearless

Today I have come to the realization that nothing really frightens me any longer.

My worst nightmares have already came and past, and chances are that I have already conjured up the worst scenarios left in my life.

I feel nothing when I think of these.

I analyze each in terms of variables and probability.

Everything happens for a reason, so what is the point in worrying about it?

I don't know if this is a just a numbing phase that I am experiencing or if my mind has exchanged emotion for logic.

All I know is that I currently have nothing to fear.

Hoist the Colours High

Bloody hell I'm pissed that Pirate Master got cancelled!

I will have to watch the rest of it online now.

I swear, the only show I ever actually made time for and it got taken off the air.

I guess I can understand though, I don't think that I have ever actually seen a commercial for it. More than likely it just didn't get enough publicity to be known.

Anyway, I rechecked IMDB the other day and they changed some things. The Spanish Pirate Lord IS Captain Villanueva. I suppose the first time they spelled it they had a typo.

But yeah, I knew there was a reason for being a pirate.

I would love to just carelessly sail for treasure, drink rum, and be with my friends.

Hospice

Earlier this week my mother told me that hospice was called-in already for her uncle, my great uncle David.

I have often wondered what the purpose of a hospice was...

Was it for hope?

Preparation?

Company?

To me they seem like a false sense of security.

People who come in tell you that everything is going to be alright and that you are loved when in reality you are dying and alone.

Do those passing into the next life need such feigned hopes?

Brother

My brother and his girlfriend broke up again the other day. As far as I know, they have been in a on-again off-again relationship since high school.

I know he loves her, otherwise he wouldn't keep taking her back.

It was ironic to hear the news since the last time they were at the hosue they were talking about marriage.

I know how my brother feels, and hell, we're probably more like each other in the aspect than I am willing to admit.

I just never really gave it thought on to how we never really connected like I did with my sister.

Maybe we never really tried to understand each other or the fact that we are too different.

Family is a blessing and it's great to spend time with them.

I hope one day we will see each other eye-to-eye rather than ignorant of each other.

Lyrics: Part IV

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion...
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down


Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow
Just to prove I knew how
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all

I don't think much explanation is really needed for this.

Good song.

Good lyrics.

Basically, life wrapped into one song.

Variety

I have come to the realization that very few people are well-rounded when it comes to films and music.

As much as I love hardcore and punk rock I still listen to random things such as death metal, show tunes, etc.

When it comes to films I'll watch foreign films as well as indie films.

I guess people just stick with what they are most comfortable with and never give anything else a chance.

Amends

Well, I visited him today. Updated him on everything, I'm pretty sure that he knows every last detail already though. Made me feel better to just talk to him. I don't know... Maybe if he had known me he would have hated me like so many others I tend to piss off. I guess I will have to wait to see his feelings towards me are. Anyway, I talked about my promise and how it is more and more difficult to keep since she keeps running away. I think he understands, but I don't want to fail him. I always keep my promises, the important ones anyway... I asked for a sign that things are going to get better and I think he gave me one. I think I'll visit him more often. I don't think he gets much company...

Wounds That Will Not Seal

I love how my physical state begins to mirror my emotional state. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Ugh.

It's getting worse.

I can already tell that my knee from tournament is never going to heal correctly.

Damn scar tissue.

It's not just there.

It's been happening a lot lately actually.

These 'cuts' end up looking more like 'burns'.

With my active lifestyle I guess I can only expect more of these.

Ha, if I ever get in a wreck I will be nothing but scar tissue.

I sympathize with Deadpool who has to live with a regenerative factor and a scared body.

Great. Just great.

I wish things would heal normally.

But now that I think about it I'm beyond caring at this point.

Does it matter?

I'm sure I'm already an eyesore, this would probably only add to it.

Fuck it.

There's always a chance that there may be someone out there that can just look past that.

Lyrics: Part III

Intending to burn, pretending to fight it
Everyone learns faster on fire
Things took a turn, lost all desire
You live and you burn
You live and...

Like hell, we are anxiously waiting
Like hell burning silently strong
Somehow we fell down by the wayside
And somehow this hell is home

Granted, things aren't perfect right now I know that they could always be worse.

Hell is not a place, it's a state of mind. Even Milton wrote, "The mind is its own place, and in itself/Can make a Heav’n of Hell, a Hell of Heav’n". My problem is that I over analyze. When I don't mean to, my mind wanders. An inquiring mind is both a gift and a curse. I cannot manage to 'turn it off'. But for right now, this Hell is my home...

Choices

I have been loyal and honest for five years.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
When you had no car I would wait for you to arrive at school despite the weather.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I survived on a diet of Gatorade and Rice Crispy Treats for an entire school year so you could have lunch.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have skipped soccer practices in order to set things right with you.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
When you were sad I would hold you and sing ‘our song’ to make you smile.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have stood up and defended you from slander several times and even had private discussions with people who have offended you.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I would always squeeze onto the edge of the bed to sleep so you would have plenty of space to sprawl out.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have endured painful one-way arguments from my parents for defending you.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
At fairs and other games I would always win you prizes to show off and keep.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
In high school I gave you roses for each important day to us.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have bleed for you to protect your honor.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I was willing to welcome a *beep* child into the world with you and raise it as my own.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have sat back and watched as you publicly displayed your promiscuous behavior around others while we were together and yet endured it.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have avoided killing or harming anything out of respect of your beliefs.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I proposed to you on Valentine’s night and loved you with all of my heart since we first met.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have worked diligently to secure a future for us and our children so that we may live comfortably.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have visited you when I knew harsh judgment awaited me if I was to be seen.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
When we made love I always made sure you were pleased before I allowed myself to finish.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
For every holiday, I have spent my last cent or even when I had no money I have done my best to present you with a gift that you would not be ashamed of receiving.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have ‘dated’ people that I had absolutely no interest in at all in order for us to be together.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have told white lie after white lie to spend more time with you.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have protected you when you were intoxicated.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
Ha, I have asked a couple for a biscuit on Winter Formal night so you wouldn’t starve.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have spent endless amounts of hours talking to you at night on the phone just to hear your voice.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
He may just be the one for you, but until hep proves himself I will always be more of a man to you than he will ever be.



I wrote this back in May and I guess I felt like posting it considering the circumstances...

What are you doing with your life...? You used to have everything planned out and be enthusiastic about your future career. Now you're just throwing school away all together to go live with him? Who are you going to help by doing that, other than yourself? I used to respect you so much for wanting to help people like me... I remember one of the last nights at the dorm where you told me to 'get over it' because she 'didn't die'. Does it matter? It still resulted in PTSD. I didn't choose this.

So what was your plan in staying up there for a few months? You going to get married because too many of your friends down here would object to it? You're going to get pregnant and you're never going to finish college...

If a self-fulfilling life is what you want, then by all means go for it. I just thought you better than that at one time...

Fourth

Well, today is Independence Day.

Plans for the day... Have some sort of get-together at four and take it from there.

I'm going to miss my Dad when he leaves this weekend... He's really been there for me more than I ever thought he would. He's pretty much been my counselor and he understands me more now, I think. To have him all the way in Alaska is a pain, but I can still talk to him on the phone.

I hope everyone spends time with their family today and enjoys every moment.

I guess that's what I've been doing recently is living for the moment. I know more than anyone that it can all be taken away in an instant... I think there are a few loose ends I need to attend to, just in case.