Well, I decided to join this. I have to admit this is my first time writting really in a blog/journal type thing. I'm sure this will be looked at and scoffed at by others, but I don't care. I need to let some thoughts and emotions out anyway.
This summer has been pure hell for me. God must have a sense of humor to let this continue. I still love her more than ever, and it would be much easier if I didn't. Everyone I have talked to said that I need to move on and that they knew that was 'the way she was'. But what about when we were together? They didn't see that side of her... Sometimes I wonder if I really did either. She's with him, now and she's happy. The other day I confronted her with some theories to why it fell apart and she did not want to hear me out.
First, I pointed out that she probably feels intellectually intimidated by my and not by him. Then I proceeded with examining my emphasis on the importance of family, something she hated about me. I know things weren't perfect in her family life, but hell, who's family life is perfect anymore anyway? I had spoken with her father previously that week, and I have to admit that I felt very sorry for him. He told me openly that he felt like he was just being used and that he doesn't know anything that's going on with his daughter anymore. He told me that she left because it is what she always does when things get difficult, she runs. Maybe he is right. Maybe that is what she is doing and maybe I'm the cause this time. Whatever the reason I told her that she should try and spend more time with him when she is around the area. So she said that she's tried and I challenged her statement... That is where she did not forgive me. Was it so wrong of me to try to help both of them by being honest? I suppose I would rather be yelled at and hated and my words taken into consideration rather than remain quiet and have her regret it the rest of her life. Lastly, I pointed at the reason that she blamed me entirely for: my insecurity. But I was not alone in this aspect, rather she further catalyzed it by being overflirtatious and seeking a jealous reaction out of me.
She was enraged by my theories and said she hated me... I asked them in order to fix things, not to further hinder. At the moment she refuses to speak to me. On all messengers I have been blocked and on MySpace I have been deleted. She had told me before that this break-up hurts her just as much. Sadly I do not believe that. She has someone. She can and does forget about me all the while I feel myself drifting in and out of potentially suicidal thoughts. She was right. I have become "unhinged". I have never loved someone so much, and even now when she hates me I still love her more than anything. We have done so much and I have so many memories with her, but I am afraid she doesn't even care. She knows I am in pain and chooses to ignore it and claim that it is merely attention-driven self-pity. There are times where I wonder if she personally felt what I was going through then maybe she would understand, but she doesn't even want to fathom what this is.
So once again I hear the ringing words of "move on" in my head. Can I? At this point I am clearly emotionally unstable and on the verge of breaking. Even if I did find another person I could never love them as I love her and I would be far too much trouble to deal with at the moment.
So what is this? A beginning? An end? Both? Or neither? My head hurts and my chest is burning. Thinking, remembering, loving, hating. It is all too much for me right now. Is this what she wants me to feel? Is that what this really is...? I need to focus... Stop dwelling. It's an overreaction, that's all. Nothing more. I need to press on for better or worse. She's not with me anymore. I need to accept that. But then my mind starts to question on whether I am going to go down without a fight... or not...
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4 comments:
God must have a sense of humor to let this continue. Yeah, right.
...rather she further catalyzed it by being overflirtatious and seeking a jealous reaction out of me. True, but showing jealousy sometimes fuels the desire[to others] of another.
At the moment she refuses to speak to me. On all messengers I have been blocked and on MySpace I have been deleted. So stop trying to talk to her
She knows I am in pain and chooses to ignore it and claim that it is merely attention-driven self-pity.
So what, Heather? What do you want from all of this? She obviously doesn't feel for you like she did. What do you want her to do? Drop this guy and come back to you? Would that make you happy? Things would be very different, and would not work. Trust me on this one, I have experience.
You're simply fighting someone who doesn't want to be fought. There is no prize, she can't be won back by anything you can do. You have to accept that. So... She might have gone about this the wrong way (understatement) but you really need to try and accept this.
First you need to realize that you are a capable individual. You don't need someone to make your life worthwhile. You are the one and only responsible for your actions, so take hold and do something progressive with all of this frustration.
Heather,
You are a great person...deserving of something great, if you just allow yourself to get over this hurdle. Seriously... you are over reacting. There are 6.5 billion people on this planet... there is no single match for you. Keep looking, but if you don't find anyone tomorrow.. Don't worry about it. Be the right person for you before you can be the right person for someone else.
I love you a lot... You're a good friend, a great person, and someone worth the 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
(give or take a few million..depending on your weight) atoms that make up your body.
~Andrew
Thanks, Andrew...
I know what you're saying is right. And I know that it is the most rational option, but I can't bring myself to let this die.
I don't think I could put into words how much I love her... She said she still cares about me too and that she feels the same way. Does she...?
I don't know what I am supposed to get from that...
She gave me some sort of hope by saying that maybe we would get back together in January when she is back her.
I just don't know...
And I can't just cut her out completely like she is doing to me right now.
I feel so weak for needing her. And I'm sure this doesn't make any sense, but it's how I feel.
I only wish she knew...
I don't scoff at journals; I admire people who manage to keep them.
I don't know much about the relationship between you two, but I do know that you should take as long as you need to mourn over this. I don't believe in "getting over" things. I believe in getting through them and surviving. It's good to remember, but don't let it ruin your life either. I know that you're strong, even if you don't always feel it, and you can survive without her.
andrew's tactic was smart.. maybe this way i wont forget anything.
"Well, I decided to join this. I have to admit this is my first time writting really in a blog/journal type thing. I'm sure this will be looked at and scoffed at by others, but I don't care. I need to let some thoughts and emotions out anyway."
nah. it's a good release for you. but i'm glad you didnt care in the first place :)
"This summer has been pure hell for me. God must have a sense of humor to let this continue."
i beg to differ! God is not some malicious being. whatever happens HAS to happen, and i truly believe that.
"I still love her more than ever, and it would be much easier if I didn't. Everyone I have talked to said that I need to move on and that they knew that was 'the way she was'. But what about when we were together? They didn't see that side of her... Sometimes I wonder if I really did either."
i didnt think yall being together was the greatest idea, but i never said anything since both of you seemed to want it that way. so i was just gonna let things unfold on their own, though help out if i was ever asked to. to me, i could sense a personality clash and also that yall didnt always/often see quite eye-to-eye.
"She's with him, now and she's happy. The other day I confronted her with some theories to why it fell apart and she did not want to hear me out."
she never wants to hear out anything unless it's perfectly happy. she'd rather ignore anything unpleasant. i've noticed this.
"First, I pointed out that she probably feels intellectually intimidated by me and not by him."
i can see that
"Then I proceeded with examining my emphasis on the importance of family, something she hated about me. I know things weren't perfect in her family life, but hell, who's family life is perfect anymore anyway?"
very true. i'm surprised you put up with her dissing your mom/family for as long as you did.
"He told me that she left because it is what she always does when things get difficult, she runs."
yea, she doesnt handle anything 'difficult' well at all.
"Was it so wrong of me to try to help both of them by being honest?"
no
"Lastly, I pointed at the reason that she blamed me entirely for: my insecurity. But I was not alone in this aspect, rather she further catalyzed it by being overflirtatious and seeking a jealous reaction out of me."
very true. i dont think i would be able to handle much of that at all.
"We have done so much and I have so many memories with her, but I am afraid she doesn't even care. She knows I am in pain and chooses to ignore it and claim that it is merely attention-driven self-pity."
yea... it's insane to have to deal with someone not being there the same way after all those years. that's a shocker upon itself. considering how she tended to always deal with most things, of course she'll choose to ignore and say "attention-driven self-pity." what did she ever say wasnt?
"There are times where I wonder if she personally felt what I was going through then maybe she would understand, but she doesn't even want to fathom what this is."
i used to wish that i could transfer my feelings, my worst pains whether physical/emotional upon someone else, but only for 10 seconds. the only reason being, not that i'd want anyone else to suffer, but that i'd just want them to UNDERSTAND. most people dont care, and dont want to care. it might hurt their precious little selves if they did.
"So once again I hear the ringing words of "move on" in my head. Can I? At this point I am clearly emotionally unstable and on the verge of breaking. Even if I did find another person I could never love them as I love her and I would be far too much trouble to deal with at the moment."
well yea! it's gonna take a LONG time to "get over" something this huge! i'd never expect a person to just turn around and be like "hm, okay, well thats done with... next?" i would consider that a terrible thing and a bad character. of course it's gonna matter to you, of course it's gonna be a big deal, and of course it's gonna be to hell and back to come to terms with it. which is naturally gonna take a long time. though i do agree to not obsess over the fact of trying to get/win her back, yet i cant blame you for thinking about it or trying.
"So what is this? A beginning? An end? Both? Or neither?"
it's all of the above.
"My head hurts and my chest is burning. Thinking, remembering, loving, hating. It is all too much for me right now. Is this what she wants me to feel? Is that what this really is...?"
nope. she wants you to deal with it and find happiness elsewhere. impossible merely forgot an aposotrphe and to space out it's words. i'm possible. see?
"I need to focus... Stop dwelling. It's an overreaction, that's all. Nothing more. I need to press on for better or worse. She's not with me anymore. I need to accept that. But then my mind starts to question on whether I am going to go down without a fight... or not..."
stop dwelling, yes. try to logic out everything and shoot emotion, NO. you're going to feel things, and good or bad, you need to feel them. i can tell you that things WILL get better; it's just gonna take a while. i'm here for you till then, and also during then and after then. *hug*
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