Long Time Since I've Seen You Smile

Well, school is clearly back in session since I haven't posted a new blog in about a month. Classes are going well, I suppose. I need to spend more time with my Cal B though, since I have been pushing it aside for everything else.

On a more personal level, I suppose I am doing a better job maintaining my composure in general. Still the regular dreams of her coming back. I try to ignore them now. Keeping myself busy is effective in avoiding those thoughts. Had a new one the night of the 22nd. I felt myself fall from some high scaffold and then shatter. My counselor said that it could have symbolised a time when I felt like I had fallen from a high position. I honestly don't know how important/relevant dreams are. And I hate how cliche this sounds, but I guess my 'soul' was leaving the body and I was being pulled up by some force. The death itself didn't frighten me. All I remember saying was that, 'I need more time...'

Dying without being able to help people is probably the most troubling thought I have. I got my research lab and to be honest, I will probably stay with it until I graduate. I promised I would dedicate my life to this project, and I will.

Ugh, emotional spiel aside, I have been trying to balance the rest of my life out as well as possible. Went to Fort Payne with Andrew and Nick two weeks ago...? Met Andrew's father and then Nick's mother made us dinner. Gym last night with Danielle. Lunch with Stephanie today. Dinner and movie with Van tonight. Lunch, possibly, with Leigh tomorrow. Attempting to spend time with friends when possible, going to the gym twice a week, R.C.I.A. every Wednesday and Mass every Sunday. Feels like a high-wire act sometimes, but it makes the days worth getting through.

God Help the Outcasts

A New Year...

Praying that it will be an improvement from last year.

Talked to her. I miss talking to her, actually. That is, when she isn't on the topic of religion. Her views have changed, I suppose. On the first day of the New Year we had our little disagreement... Condemnation. Used to it, by now... It just hurts most of all coming from her. I still love her. I will ALWAYS love her. I didn't choose this. I didn't choose to be born this way.

I wish someone would just tell me that it's okay to be myself.

It would be so much easier to live with myself if I didn't believe. But I do... And I'm not quite sure how God judges.

Went to The Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament. My parents bought me a pendant of my patron saint: Saint Jude-The Saint of Hopelessness/Lost Causes. I thought considering my situation that he was fitting.

Films About Ghosts

Just returned from Kentucky today. My grandfather has a German Shepard puppy to keep him occupied.

It was in the 20s-30s the entire time. No sun. Mostly gray and cloudy with some occasional rain. Felt like a Tim Burton film.

He personally showed me where my grandmother was. There's a glass casing in the living room with her urn and it is surrounded by some of her favorite things.

Saw Bob, Sandra, Glen, Betty, and Mitch while I was there. Played pool. Played several other games. Ha, Bob, my father, and myself sang an entire Counting Crows CD together while we were playing games. Almost sad that we all knew the lyrics to everything.




Heh, I always thought he had a striking resemblance to Pablo Picasso.

May Your Organs Fail Before Your Dreams Fail You

Catechumenation ceremony today at Saint Mary's. One of the Sponsors, Mort, explained the origin of the ceremony. During a time of persecution by Romans, the Christians had to meet in the catacombs and initiated people down there to make sure there were no Roman spies. Anyway, now if I die I get Catholic burial and I'm closer to getting confirmed.

This entire semester has been a blur. By credit hours, I believe, I will be a junior. I'm happy with that, but I was disappointed with me and my Organic. Need to work harder.

It kills me to see people who don't care about college or people who are given scholarships and just waste them.

Even worse, people who get jobs that don't help others. Yes, I know any job can help better the world for others in some way. But are you really content staying in retail the rest of your life? Will that help peace negotiations? Will that cure cancer? Ergh... maybe I just expect too much. I want degree because I want my job and I want my job because I want help others.

'What man is a man who does not make the world better?'

I wish everyone were more passionate about their future professions for the shear purpose that it may one day help someone else.

All is Well in Hell

Keep having those dreams again. Twice this week, actually... She's always coming back... She's always apologizing and telling me how much she still loves me... I don't understand why I'm still dreaming like this... I know she's happier... And I'm glad...

Heh... on one of my late night drives I saw a doe... Made me think that maybe God hasn't forgotten about me... I can't describe how I felt. The fact that it was a doe kinda reminded me about Severus and Lily... Stupid reference, yes, but stilll...

I Remember Halloween

Yesterday was nice.

Went as a Slytherin student complete with Dark Mark on forearm for my classes.

At night I switched costumes to my Victorian vampire costume. I added a silver domino mask and my Cavelier hat and made it more of a masquarade attire.

Leigh and I traversed the campus at night and then went to the U.C. for the event.

Cemetery Drive

Wow, I haven't updated since Big Spring Jam. I've been slacking.

Let's see...

I guess just this past month has gone by quickly. I love October. It is my favorite month of the year.

Anyway, went to the American Diabetes Association's 'Step Out' Walk.

Mom's birthday was yesterday, my grandmother's was today.

Been REALLY busy with school.

Went to the Renaissance Faire today. Saw many of my pirate brethren! It was great.

Personally though... I finally have an indescribable clarity about everything...

It is finally all making sense now, and I know what I need to do.

Accomplish goals first. Protect. Richard Cory. It's all so simple.