Smashed Into Pieces

Never Again.

I'll slit my throat with the knife I pulled out of my spine.

Maybe when you find out that I'm dead you'll realize what you did to me.

[Chorus]

And if my lungs still let me breathe, Would you be there for me?

If I can make myself believe, I'll give you back what you took out.

No, I won't let it go.

Douse myself in gasoline.

So don't save me when you come into the fire.

I'd rather die than have to see your smile.

And if my lungs still let me breathe,

Would you be there for me?

If I can make myself believe,

I'll give you back what you took away.

You made me swear

You made me swear

I, I can't sleep realize all these things that you took from me.

Smash my heart (you made me swear) into dust (you made me swear)

Suffocate my mind (you made me swear)

Tear at me from inside (you made me swear)

Smash apart what you created.

How can I ever stop you from crushing my soul?

It was it was yours, yours to begin with.

And if my lungs still let me breathe,

Will you be there for me?

If I can make myself believe,

I'll give you back what you took away.

Can't seem to find any words to convey what I'm feeling right now... Thought maybe lyrics would help. Finished my last final today and packed. Went to the mall with Leigh, David, Samantha, and Emily and then relocated to the Duck Pond with Samantha and Emily. Talked. Just... yeah...

Inspiration

I have no idea what was with me today. I think out of my entire day I could honestly only spend about three hours actually studying for my Organic make-up exam that I have today. I can feel my mind wander and it is annoying.

The computer, sadly, is one of my creative outlets and it is readily available. I posted new albums on Facebook and I made a new profile picture on MySpace.

What is interesting about the MySpace picture is that all the text in the background was from an actual conversation (actually multiple conversations) that Emily and I had. It just... seemed fitting, I guess. I was initially worried because the picture I used had my bathroom in the background and I have plenty cliche bathroom pictures, so I cut the rest out and placed it over the text. Made it old film grained and... well... I think it really goes together well.

I just wish I had my focus...

Just Like Heaven

I can't keep living for a dream. That bridge was burned a year ago... I still feel like there's a hole in my chest and that a big part of me was ripped away. Can I love someone as I did before? Probably not. I'm not so naive anymore. But maybe someone can make things a bit more 'bearable'... And hell, maybe I can be 'fixed'.

So, as with Jon's entry, I decided to make a list of qualities and 'types' if you will that would be desired for a relationship. Granted, you don't chose who you fall in love with, however these are the types of people I prefer.

The Cheerleader/Model

• Extroverted
• Extremely feminine
• Very affectionate
• Pure/Carefree attitude
• Readily takes the initiative
• Energetic
• More apt to 'hang out'
• More "preppy" in appearance
• Not necessarily book smart, but decently street smart
• Willing to cook if I'm willing to clean
• Sickeningly devoted to me (Think Misa to Light here Death Note fans)

The Art/Indie Girl

• Artistic
• Once again, feminine
• More likely to enjoy nature
• "Scene" or "indie" in appearance
• Listens to similar music or at least respects mine
• Well versed in pop culture
• Fashion savvy
• Relatively smart
• Able to carry on philosophical conversations
• Familiar with classic literature

Must Have Attributes for All

• First and foremost: Love-No point in having a relationship without it
• Loyalty-Not a fan of cheating
• Honesty/Trust-Don't give me a reason to doubt you
• Decent appearance-Don't mean to sound like a vain ass, but if I'm working out to look decent for you, then I expect the same in return
• Respect for family and friends-Parents can be a bit overbearing at times, but they mean well
• Devotion-Taking time out of the day just to be in each other's company if only for a little while

It'd be nice to find a girl with these qualities, but I doubt one exists outside of old memories and dreams... Maybe when I die I'll see her again, maybe...

Always A Disappointment

Yeah, so Mom didn't like the hair. Told me to do whatever.

Won't speak to me.

Personal life. Check.

Family life. Check.

I'm two for two.

Plastered

Damn you, Quantitative Chemical Analysis, damn you. Ugh... I really don't know what I am going to have in that class. Hell, I'm not so sure I'm even going to pass after that exam. Needless to say I came out of that room devastated. I had studied a full week before the exam to make sure I knew it... shows what good it did me. I'm fucked, I know I am. So, that being said, I promptly had a bit of a breakdown in my room with Danielle and Jon in my presence. To which I demanded hard liquor and expressed my desire to cut my hair because my parents are going to be pissed at me anyway.

They weren't too keen on the immediate haircutting and said that I should at least wait until I had thought about it a few more days. The alcohol, however, was very feasible. Marcy said that he had just opened a bottle of Jose Cuervo tequila and I opted to pay him for the rest. Sadly, it was half empty (yes, I realize I am a pessimist). So, I sat in Danielle's room and drank while watching Silent Hill (I never seem to get sick of that movie). During which, I would routinely ask for a piece of paper and a pen to see how bad my handwriting got through the night. I wrote a total of four times... And the results are amusing... I will have to scan that piece of paper one day... Anyway, half of a liter later, I finished the bottle. Long story short, I ended up throwing up my guts. It's kinda weird because I remember a lot of that night. Some specifics are blurred, but I still recall everything that transpired. Danielle took care of me, Jon cleaned up, Andrew was there (heh, flipped him off six times when he started talking about BAC), and Christin was there in case I needed help changing. It's funny because even then when I was plastered, I still appreciated that I had people there for me... More surprisingly people that were willing to help me when I was like that. I don't think I can really explain it... But it meant a lot... And it still does.

Fast-forward past the hangover and to Friday. Drew came over and I got my hair cut. It was a bit of a compromise. It wasn't a "guy cut" per say, but it was short and I guess I could just try to get used to it. Once again, I had people there with me: Jon, Danielle, Drew, Christin, and Marcy. Ha, the people at the salon had no idea what was going on with so many people.

Saturday I woke up early to go fishing with Derek since the duck pond was open for one day of fishing. We talked a bit while he was fishing and I was taking pictures. Came back, took a nap, went to Angel's with Andrew and got in some studying. Came back, watched him fish while I took pics again, went to Mikawa with Jon. After Mikawa, the three of us visited the Space and Rocket Center to see the last fireworks. It was for some company party, but we didn't care. After the fireworks, we came watched Seven Samurai which was great.

Just in reflection of those three individual days alone I realize how much my friends mean to me and how much I have changed from last year. Last year at this time I wanted to kill myself, but now... Even if things aren't exactly going the way I want, I can still look back and see that there are some great people worth sticking around for if nothing else.

Shattered

What is trust exactly? Is it giving another person the power to manipulate you and your emotions and hoping that they won't? Why would anyone give another person such capabilities?

Never again.

My expectations for others have been drastically lowered this past year. And to be honest, it hurts a hell of a lot less when you anticipate disappointment.

My childish naivety and trust in the good intentions of others have finally met the harsh reality that most people are relentlessly selfish. This past weekend has only further fortified this assessment. Two accounts, actually. I feel like I am only being told what I want to hear. And... it really hurts. It hurts knowing that these people would never tell me complete truths. It hurts knowing that I used to take everyone's words as "truth". My innocence has been shattered. The blindfold is lifted. People who I once thought were great have turned out to be self-interested ingrates. Victims of circumstance? Maybe... maybe not... Series of bad decisions led them there, but outside forces always contribute.

Granted, I will only grow colder from here... I know that every once in awhile a genuine person is there. I'd like to consider myself one of those few who actually put others first. Maybe I am mistaken... Maybe I'm just like the people I despise. Either way selflessness these days is very underrated...