021408

The concert on the 2nd was great. I had fun and it was nice for everyone to be together. Since then I've been just trying to survive classes, myself, and the ever present problems that encompass the lives of college students.

Still waiting on Dr. Johnson to email me about the lab. I should probably check to see if he has the right email for me. I'd hate to be waiting and he's already started.

Costa Rica is a sure thing too. Sent off for my passport on Monday. I'll check the status of it in a couple of days. Credit hours and being able to be on the beach/rainforest with Nick and Andrew. Sounds like fun to me.

Ugh, I've been in a terribly poetic mood lately. Disgusting really, expecially since that isn't my forte. Thought I'd put it on here to just get it out of my system. The verses have been running through my head. The more I think about the lines the more I think it sounds like some retarded emo poem, but I couldn't find any other way to express the thoughts. And no, this isn't about her. (I'm not David.) But I;d be lying if I said she didn't influence it, because she did. Anyway, whatever.

____

Bitter breezes sent the fallen leaves asunder ripping the concrete as they passed,
Their bodies: breaking, rather screaming in agony with each pass.
The barren trees did too seem to shake from the frigid air.
Heavy, frozen, and tired I gazed upon the tranquil site.
Our sanctuary, our home, our secret place,
Images flooded my mind and smiles haunted me as I took in the night air,
Slowly, deliberately I trace my thumb against your image and allow time to take me back.
We had waltzed in the snow and kissed under the stars exchanging vows of endless love.
Childish naivety.
Locked and swaying feel my body’s urge to collide with the black water.
To fade, to embrace, oh the promises the lake could fulfill.
Again the wind sweeps the beauty of yesterday across the murky terrain,
This time, however, the air pulls me with it,
Something warm, something foreign, yet all too familiar streams,
And upon examination I noticed the droplets were neither from sweat nor blood,
But rather they were the most painful of sacrifice trinity: tears.
I curse the vacant sky.
Who are you to say that there are no demons that burn for absolution, nor angels who deceive?





Happy Valentine's Day...

Long Time Since I've Seen You Smile

Well, school is clearly back in session since I haven't posted a new blog in about a month. Classes are going well, I suppose. I need to spend more time with my Cal B though, since I have been pushing it aside for everything else.

On a more personal level, I suppose I am doing a better job maintaining my composure in general. Still the regular dreams of her coming back. I try to ignore them now. Keeping myself busy is effective in avoiding those thoughts. Had a new one the night of the 22nd. I felt myself fall from some high scaffold and then shatter. My counselor said that it could have symbolised a time when I felt like I had fallen from a high position. I honestly don't know how important/relevant dreams are. And I hate how cliche this sounds, but I guess my 'soul' was leaving the body and I was being pulled up by some force. The death itself didn't frighten me. All I remember saying was that, 'I need more time...'

Dying without being able to help people is probably the most troubling thought I have. I got my research lab and to be honest, I will probably stay with it until I graduate. I promised I would dedicate my life to this project, and I will.

Ugh, emotional spiel aside, I have been trying to balance the rest of my life out as well as possible. Went to Fort Payne with Andrew and Nick two weeks ago...? Met Andrew's father and then Nick's mother made us dinner. Gym last night with Danielle. Lunch with Stephanie today. Dinner and movie with Van tonight. Lunch, possibly, with Leigh tomorrow. Attempting to spend time with friends when possible, going to the gym twice a week, R.C.I.A. every Wednesday and Mass every Sunday. Feels like a high-wire act sometimes, but it makes the days worth getting through.

God Help the Outcasts

A New Year...

Praying that it will be an improvement from last year.

Talked to her. I miss talking to her, actually. That is, when she isn't on the topic of religion. Her views have changed, I suppose. On the first day of the New Year we had our little disagreement... Condemnation. Used to it, by now... It just hurts most of all coming from her. I still love her. I will ALWAYS love her. I didn't choose this. I didn't choose to be born this way.

I wish someone would just tell me that it's okay to be myself.

It would be so much easier to live with myself if I didn't believe. But I do... And I'm not quite sure how God judges.

Went to The Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament. My parents bought me a pendant of my patron saint: Saint Jude-The Saint of Hopelessness/Lost Causes. I thought considering my situation that he was fitting.

Films About Ghosts

Just returned from Kentucky today. My grandfather has a German Shepard puppy to keep him occupied.

It was in the 20s-30s the entire time. No sun. Mostly gray and cloudy with some occasional rain. Felt like a Tim Burton film.

He personally showed me where my grandmother was. There's a glass casing in the living room with her urn and it is surrounded by some of her favorite things.

Saw Bob, Sandra, Glen, Betty, and Mitch while I was there. Played pool. Played several other games. Ha, Bob, my father, and myself sang an entire Counting Crows CD together while we were playing games. Almost sad that we all knew the lyrics to everything.




Heh, I always thought he had a striking resemblance to Pablo Picasso.

May Your Organs Fail Before Your Dreams Fail You

Catechumenation ceremony today at Saint Mary's. One of the Sponsors, Mort, explained the origin of the ceremony. During a time of persecution by Romans, the Christians had to meet in the catacombs and initiated people down there to make sure there were no Roman spies. Anyway, now if I die I get Catholic burial and I'm closer to getting confirmed.

This entire semester has been a blur. By credit hours, I believe, I will be a junior. I'm happy with that, but I was disappointed with me and my Organic. Need to work harder.

It kills me to see people who don't care about college or people who are given scholarships and just waste them.

Even worse, people who get jobs that don't help others. Yes, I know any job can help better the world for others in some way. But are you really content staying in retail the rest of your life? Will that help peace negotiations? Will that cure cancer? Ergh... maybe I just expect too much. I want degree because I want my job and I want my job because I want help others.

'What man is a man who does not make the world better?'

I wish everyone were more passionate about their future professions for the shear purpose that it may one day help someone else.

All is Well in Hell

Keep having those dreams again. Twice this week, actually... She's always coming back... She's always apologizing and telling me how much she still loves me... I don't understand why I'm still dreaming like this... I know she's happier... And I'm glad...

Heh... on one of my late night drives I saw a doe... Made me think that maybe God hasn't forgotten about me... I can't describe how I felt. The fact that it was a doe kinda reminded me about Severus and Lily... Stupid reference, yes, but stilll...

I Remember Halloween

Yesterday was nice.

Went as a Slytherin student complete with Dark Mark on forearm for my classes.

At night I switched costumes to my Victorian vampire costume. I added a silver domino mask and my Cavelier hat and made it more of a masquarade attire.

Leigh and I traversed the campus at night and then went to the U.C. for the event.