An Anti Hero's Requiem

The Ocean

2010-06-06T15:41:00.004-05:00

Finally... Everything is beginning to wind down and fall into place. I am now working full-time as an R&D Chemist and I absolutely love my job. I graduated with my bachelor's of science in chemistry. Since I have received my degree, I got a raise at said job. I will move into an apartment this month. I have been accepted into UMUC's master's of science biotechnology program which I will begin in the fall. I get to see my friends often and Jon and Erin might get an apartment near me also in the fall. I get to participate in Hudson-Alpha's BioTrain program that begins tomorrow. All in all... life is really good right now.

All of the crazy hell of last semester is slowly subsiding. And to be honest, it's about time. Even still, February hit harder to all of the scientists at the university... I really don't feel like talking about it here, though recovery for most is getting better.

Back to something less daunting. Among some of the graduation cards I received, one was... different. My aunt gave me a graduation card congratulating me and then asking "what's next?" ... ... ...I appreciate the sentiment, but this is someone who refuses to speak to our family and has since I was about 2. Some sort of family fallout that I was too young to remember. I just... people confuse me sometimes.

Paris is Burning

2009-10-26T11:22:00.003-05:00

It's another Monday. And once again, while I should be doing my work I feel the need to blog.

Maybe it's guilt. Guilt that I haven't been keeping up with this damn thing. I really need to since I suppose it doubles as an outlet for thoughts and emotions. Whatever.

Got back from Puerto Rico Saturday night. I attended ACS Southeastern Regional Meeting or the simple rearranged acronym "SERMACS". It was interesting. Presented a poster on the chemical composition of Cedrela odorata.

Also heard nobel laurate Roald Hoffmann lecture. Yeah. You know the Woodward-Hoffmann rules in organic? Same guy. Very interesting scientist. Survived the Holocaust. Wrote plays. Music producer. Poet. Artist. The man is a genius. To think logically, but also to acknowledge beauty in all it's forms. That's my goal. Right now it seems that my life is more or less driven towards science in the respect that I have little time for expressing any artistic qualities. Hopefully I will be able to change that when I have some more free time. I need to write more. Like I said, I've been slacking with the blog as it is. But writing poetry down... I never remember to. I should probably work on that. I also wanted to try my hand at oil paintings. I love looking at the textures on canvas. Maybe I'll buy some supplies for my birthday. Then there's photography. I got some half-assed shots in during the trip. I was injured for the majority of the pictures I took, so it was more like "(Snap a shot before you fall over!)"

Oh right, the "injury". Yeah. This is a fun story... Finally had some free time to spend in Puerto Rico after all the poster presentations. Decided to go to the beach and get some surfing in while I was there. Swam for awhile and hit up against a huge rock. For those of you unfamilar with northern Puerto Rico, there are a lot of fucking rocks. At any rate, it was like "(No big deal. Ow, wave. Ow, wave. Swim faster or else you'll hit up against the rock again.)" So I got hit up against it pretty well. When I came back onshore Whitney pointed out the my leg was bleeding. Ok. No big deal. Just a little blood. Then... I started walking towards the surf shop. I had to stop because of the pain. Sat on the curb and noticed what I thought were splinters. Some were pertruding from the skin, so naturally I ripped them out. Then I noticed SEVERAL inside my left foot and a few in my right foot. Long story short: guy at the surf shop said those weren't splinters but rather sea urchin spines. So I discontinued use of my left heel and rather "hopped" with my right foot and pushed off with my left foot. So it provides some mild entertainment and serves as an odd limping movent.

The spines are painful and pressure on these areas only pushes them into the foot. They are also reverse barbs. Meaning, don't try to fish them out with a needle or tweezers. ... ... ... Okay, looking back on that, I did not intend on the cheezy pun. On the brightside, the spines a Ca/Mg. So, using basic chemical knowledge: dissolve the spines. I used vinegar since it's composed of acetic acid (a weak acid). The perk is that it won't burn my skin or anything, but the downside is that it has an epilthelial barrier before reaching the actual spines. I've seen people post on sites about using vinegar for sea urchin spines, but I have had little success so far. The spines will slowly dissolve on their own. I imagine that is because the skin is slightly acidic... At any rate, I have crutches so I don't drive them in further. I hate using crutches. And I hate being handicapped.

P.S. I was right by the fuel storage facility in San Juan. It was still burning when we left.

Low Of Solipsism

2009-04-12T01:33:00.004-05:00

Well, I think it has been a sufficiently long enough time for me to have another entry.

So, what have I been up to? To be honest, I've been busy as usual. Trying to actually have a life and do decent in school. I've come to terms with the fact that I try to do the least amount possible for the best score possible. It's amazing really, when I don't really care about a test and party before it I seem to do just as well as if I had spent weeks studying.

Took some pictures over Spring Break in Decatur and Downtown Huntsville. My camera isn't terribly impressive, but it'll get the job done. One of these days I will invest in a 50 mm or something that takes higher quality pictures. I also need to take out the powerlines in a couple of my better pictures... They are such a pain to deal with... I've been thinking about selling some or even altering them and then painting them on canvas and then selling the paintings. Cool huh? Well, it sounded like fun to me anyway.

I have a nice little job working in the vivarium on campus. The research is in cooperation with Nektar, so it'll be good to have some contacts there. Speaking of contacts, I have been to two undergraduate research conferences lately: one at the University of Memphis and one at the University of Alabama in Birmingham. I gave an oral presentation at the one in Memphis and a poster presentation at UAB. Through those I've made quite a number of good contacts. I also attended the Builing Your Career in Biotech Workshop that was useful. It basically reinforced my ideas on how things in applying for a biotech job are like, but it was still informative.

Saw An Horse at The End in Nashville with Kim and Cassie. AMAZING show. They were really good live. Didn't care for Hey Penny or the Appleseed Cast much. Shoot the Mountain, however, were pretty cool though. I got Kate and Damon to sign my Microbiology notebook and backpack since I had brought that with me to study for my Cal B exam I had the next morning. Lolz all-nighter. Still, I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

Bullet for My Valentine

2009-02-20T23:02:00.004-06:00

So the new year started off quickly and the beginning of the semester was no different.

Classes have been time consuming more than anything else. I think I will do well if I can just learn to to properly time manage.

Chemistry Club is trying to get everything in order, so hopefully we'll be having some cool events lined up in the near future. I've been helping Deacon Jim try to recharter the Catholic Student Fellowship. I told myself that I wouldn't get too involved, but it looks like it's a bit late for that. Guess I'm glad Catholics might have something to go to on campus now...? Anyway that's going on...

Oh, and I might have another publication. I've been talking to Brenda since she's in Moriairty's lab and apparently some of the oils I shot are doing well against the cancer cells. Now how they are against normal cells, have no idea. But I still found that interesting. The Brunellia costaricensis bark had a high concentration of methyl salicylate.

Also had a relatively decent Valentine's Day. Went to Amy's wedding. Congrats to Mrs. Pettigrew! Definitely gave a bullet to my valentine. I found it amusing. Below I've got a pic of part my gift. And uh, I got my hair cut again. Yay being able to make it semi-spiky?

Hell Above Water

2008-12-30T00:34:00.003-06:00

Thought I would update this before too much happened.

Well, the Toy Sorting was fun. I was glad to help the Salvation Army out again. Is it sad that I have the volunteer leader's phone number saved in my cell? I talked to her quite a bit and even thanked HER for allowing us to help.

I hope all of those kids from the Angel Tree had a good Christmas...

Christmas for me... didn't really feel like Christmas. I was happy that I got to go to the Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament with Danielle and my mother the Saturday before it though... THAT at least made the Advent season more apparent.

But my family... My father had to stay in Alaska this year since he had been home for the past two Christmas's. Chase was gone until 11. And lolz domestic disputes. Gotta love being home for the holidays. It honestly didn't feel like Christmas.

Had a happy 3/7 even though I kinda had to celebrate it on my own. I didn't mind though.

Went out with Leigh today and walked around Decatur. Ha, ten years ago we were wandering around the streets of Hartselle and now we're doing the same thing only in Decatur and this time I'm taking pictures! Geez, time really does go by...

The Words 'Best Friend' Become Redefined

2008-12-11T01:22:00.005-06:00

Time for Winter Break. FINALLY. I could use a break from school, but not a break from my friends.

Left Tuesday after the Chemistry Club Christmas Party. Played Uno ATTACK!. Twas entertaining. Finally getting the club involved with more volunteer work. Worked the Angel Tree last Friday and this Saturday we're going to toy sort for the Salvation Army. Cool, huh?

Been more social now that school's out. Went clubbing/bar hopping a bit with some friends. Have to say that I enjoy it. I'll probably do that some more when I have more free time.

Went with my mother today and basically picked out my Christmas presents. I didn't mind though. I wish my parents didn't feel the need to get all of us so much. I feel guilty for having a decent Christmas when I know there are people much less fortunate...

Went with Derek and a TON of people to Mikawa for an after finals party. It was... too many people and very awkward. Things are weird. Didn't feel comfortable. Ended up sitting with some freshmen and a sophomore I only knew in passing. Most of my attention was focused on Lethal Weapon 4. Whatever.

Went with Danielle to Steph's to watch Kung Fu Panda with her and Samuel-san. Heh, it was amusing. It was a beer and pizza night. I didn't complain.

... ... ...

I miss Danielle. I get to see her Saturday though. Might also get to see her Sunday if some plans work out, but I don't know how that's going to go. I will also get to have a Jon that day too hopefully.

I need to schedule something with Leigh now that finals are over. I haven't seen her in a long time.

Devil Town

2008-11-27T00:32:00.004-06:00

The semester is finally winding down. Classes have been going pretty well. I need to bring up my Calculus grade on this final... A in Phytochemistry. Pretty sure I solidified my A in Tech Writing. I'm coming out of Organic II with a minimum of a C. Right now my only concern is Cal B. I need it for Physics II and I need Physics II for Biophysical Chemistry.

Bake sale went well. I think we made $120 or so. Mom baked and donated a lot...

Been spending time with Dad since he leaves Saturday. I won't see him on Christmas... But he has to do what he has to do.

Got my hair cut shorter. Mom cried. Tried to make me promise to not cut it any shorter... ever. Couldn't make a promise like that. I'd be lying.

Em and Danielle are friends now. It's kinda cool actually. Weird at first, but it's interesting. I think they finally understand each other now.

Had our Rock Band Pre-Finals Destresser Night at Shelby last night. It was great. Tasty beverages and gaming. Oh and pizza and extra baked goods. But I was preoccupied with the first two.

[Two/Six Months]

Bolero

2008-11-12T12:47:00.006-06:00

Vegas. Was. Amazing.

Okay, I really hate when people do that to sentences but I figured that was the best way to get my point across.

Phantom... Phantom was perfect. It kinda helps that the stage at the Venetian was built specifically for it. But, good God, everything was flawless. The music, the cast, the set... Also doesn't hurt that the seats were third row.

Food. Damn, the food in Las Vegas was great too. Went to AquaKnox and Postrio while we were there.

Went to a lot of places. Visited the Atomic Testing Museum to get my nerdiness satisfied. Visited several casinos: Treasue Island, Caesar's Palace, New York New York, Excalibur, The Bellagio. Went to Madam Tassaud's Wax Museum. Coyote Ugly. Nine Fine Irishmen Pub.

The room at the Venetian was huge. Couldn't have asked for a better one. Two queen beds, HD TV, enormous bathroom with a shower and a tub, spacious office area.

Gambled a little. Probably about $50 or so. You lose count very quickly since the money just kinda goes. I tried to keep it within that range so I would have more walking money when I came back here.

Only thing I wish was different was the company. I love my sister, but we get on each other's nerves very quickly when we're alone. She was wanting Joe and I was wanting Danielle. She said that we need to go back. She'll bring Joe and I "can bring whoever you're [I'm] dating at the time". Thanks, Jenn... Love this confidence here.

Anyway, I set up a guest album. Click the pic below.

Password: antihero

Enjoy.

Captain Midnight

2008-11-05T00:03:00.005-06:00

Wake up, our past stops right now...

Finally twenty-one. Even posted a pic of Jackie Estacado to commemorate the event. If you don't know who that is then you should read The Darkness.

Had a birthday lunch at Cheeburger Cheeburger that went well on Sunday and birthday dinner at Mikawa actually on my birthday on Monday. This may sound fantastically emotional for me, but I enjoyed being with friends. Talking to all of them, just even being able to get everyone together and have a meal was nice.

Em finally met most of my college friends. I think she was kind of overwhelmed. Called me tonight and is apparently on a mission to set things right with people now. More power to her.

The Future Doesn't Scare Me at All

2008-10-25T11:18:00.004-05:00

Not too much really bothers me anymore. It's weird. I wonder if I'm just numb to everything or if I have just grown up so much over these past two years of my life. I'm content with things right now.

School is going well. I am with someone I love and who loves me in return. My work in the Setzer lab is paying off. Sure there are things that can be always be better, but I'm not greedy. I'll take fortunate events as they come.

Deacon Jim seems to be pushing the Catholic Student Association on campus. It used to be chartered by SGA. I think he wants me to revive it... I don't think I even know ten Catholics at UAH. And I sure as Hell am not a good example of a person to bring it back. "Oh yeah, that's a great idea! Put the gay as president of a Christian organization!" Nice, Deacon Jim, nice.

Got to visit Mr. Hillis yesterday. Brought him some pizza. I never get to see the guy anymore. Just talked about life for a little while.

Also visited my grandparents. Talked about politics. Heh, I love my grandparents. They are staunch Democrats, unlike my parents. My grandmother seems to be doing better. More energy anyway. Hair is thined from the chemo. She says she is cold all of the time. My grandfather does his best to accomidate her. He is such a loving husband...

Talked to Marie last night to some ungodly hour. It was fun anyway. Can't wait to meet her. She seems to act a lot like me personality-wise.

CrisisCon is coming up this next weekend. Get to hang out with Leigh, David, Danielle, Jon, Drew, Carrie, Amanda, Marie, and Jennifer. It is going to be a well-deserved break from all of this school work.

And then... Vegas.

Hot Tea, Cold Rice

2008-09-27T19:26:00.003-05:00

Been meaning to update this recently.

Had a great day.

Breakfast was the title. Made rice balls this morning and waited until they cooled down so I would have hot tea and cold rice balls. I love that combination.

Saw Jennifer, Joe, and Emily at Barnes and Noble today. Also went shopping with Danielle and Jon. Danielle FINALLY has a pair of brown shoes!

Right now I am watching Danielle play Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. The storyline is very good. I approve. The Sith moves kick ass.

Right now... I am just... so happy. I haven't felt like this in years. I can't explain it.

Officially Unofficial 9-27-08

You Get What Everyone Else Gets. You Get A Lifetime.

2008-09-04T11:30:00.004-05:00

I'm in another one of my angsty moods again. I think I have too much anger for one person. Proof is my dreams. Last night I beat the shit out of him. In the dream he was trying to set me off and he did. I lost my composure and practically killed him. It was weird because there were other people there too, but they didn't understand why I hated him. They were asking what he ever did to me. They didn't know... They didn't know what he did Fall semester. They didn't know how he was making my life Hell. They didn't know how he was two-faced to a guy he didn't even know. They didn't know that he was a manipulative bastard. They didn't know that he impressed his "Christian" dogma on everyone and everything. It's people like him that make others hate the faith.

I'm sure Danielle would be upset if she knew how much I hated him... She kind of already does, but yeah... I wonder if this is how she views Emily...? It's complicated and I don't want to try and imagine that. I try too hard to see everyone else's perspective as it is. Do I do that to be fair or do I do that because I'm paranoid?

Came out to Brian this weekend. He was surprised. Honestly, he might've been too drunk to remember. But he seemed to have taken it well. He made a point that the three Villanueva kids have never really been close. I maintain that we are just an emotionally detached family. And I believe that it is true.

Danielle told me what he mother had been saying and Emily chewed me out about drinking. Seemed like good enough reasons to get plastered. Went to Thomas and Christin's party. Had fun. Had a huge hangover the next morning.

After the hangover I went with Jon to Arby's and Books-A-Million. Picked up Watchmen and the fifth Vampire Knight (for Danielle). Not too long after coming back to the dorm Derek and Anne asked if I wanted to go to the fair. We did. I think it was sponsored by churches or something. We had a fun conversation with a guy on "Dinosaurs and Humans". He gave a lot of bullshit science. We kept correcting him on a lot of it until finally we just decided to shut up and let him give us his spiel so we could leave. When we walked away we pointed out all of his inaccuracies.
Didn't have much money so I only played one game. Shooting. Won on my first shot and got a stuffed fox for Danielle. I kept finding myself missing her... Thoughts like, "She would love this" or "I know what she would say" just keep replaying in the back of my head.

Tonight she is going to go with me to drop off Kenta at Emily's party. Heh, she's bringing homework to work on and I need to study anyway. Ergh, I don't even want to think about the quiz on Friday...

What's wrong, babe? Did daddy not give you enough attention?!

2008-08-23T23:18:00.002-05:00

diaf, you sadistic fuck.

kthnxbai.

The Snows of Shadow Moses

2008-08-14T11:13:00.002-05:00

My father is not coming home according to his schedule. In fact, he doesn't know when he is coming home. Or rather, he cannot disclose that information. Since last week, everyone on base seems to be keeping something from the public. Dad has been given unusual hours and even been on and off an "alert" of some sort. There was some speculation from the outside at what might be happening. Russia's broken truce? A North Korean attack? I don't know... I wonder how much the GMD Program has changed since the 2004 public demo. I wonder if they are working on something else...

More family concerns, my grandmother was given too much chemotherapy too quickly and nearly died from it. In one of my April entries I mentioned the discovery of cancer in her colon and she has since been this chemo regimine. Now she has an aberrantly swollen upper lip, possibly from the new medication she was prescribed. She has her good and bad days, but recently she just appears to be only having bad days.

On the bright side I may be moving back to Huntsville earlier than expected, but I will have to wait and see before I can truly be excited.

Last Chance To Lose Control

2008-08-09T16:24:00.002-05:00

So my Summer Break has finally started. I am trying to relax as much as possible seeing as I only have a week before I move back into the dorm.

I've been alternating between Rock Band and Ragnarok. The latter causes me more trouble because of the lag on my computer. I've only been playing drums on Rock Band since the USB control chargers are MIA. I'd only do vox anyway. I am very much anti guitar.

I miss Danielle already, dammit. The weekend isn't even halfway over either... Of course I miss my other friends too. But... you know. Meh. Hope everyone is enjoying their summer. I feel the need to pirate Jon. I'M COMING FOR YOU, TAKERU!

Guess I should read some too since I have a bit of free time. I just rather enjoy being braindead for a few days. That a bad thing?

Still, You Do Not Answer...

2008-07-21T11:33:00.005-05:00

"It is what you do when no one is watching that defines you as a person."

Personal motto. It seems as though integrity means nothing these days. Hopefully there are more people out there trying to keep chivalry alive...

Anyway...

Too much going on for the summer. I was under the impression that summer should be a break from everything. Apparently, I was mistaken.

There is some good news though, on November 7th I get to go to the Venetian for my birthday. Yep. Las Vegas for the 21st. However, I had to promise not to drink... Which will test my will-power.

I have been talking to Emily. We are becoming each other's confidant again. I asked her of Chris knew who I was yet. She said that he does... kinda... Told me that she didn't want to be forbidden to talk to me. It upset me to think that even if he did know who I was that he would not let me talk to her. I have known her longer. And I have certainly been with her longer. But whatever... I decided not to go to Jennifer's party. I was so excited when I heard about it, but knowing that Chris was going to be there... I didn't want any trouble. I want everyone to enjoy themselves there and I know I would've been annoyed.

Thanks to Marie, I have been watching Last Friends with Jon and Danielle. Not one for JDrama, but it's good. It is funny to see so many parallels between our personalities and those of the characters on the show. In fact, sometimes it is even word for word. We watched episode three last night and it was scary that something that I had said about ten minutes before was said by the character that I connect the most with...

Freak On A Leash

2008-07-12T13:51:00.005-05:00

Well, I suppose it is finally time for a July entry on here.

Monday was Leigh's birthday so we all celebrated at Mikawa. It was a larger group of people than I had anticipated, but it was fun. Happy 21st, Leigh!

Tuesday I went to set up for Chemistry Club at COMPASS, but appearently we don't do ANYTHING for transfer students. So Sam and I Plan B'ed to Casa Blanca for lunch.

Wednesday was... uneventful, I believe.

Thursday was COMPASS again. This time there were people. Hooray.

Yesterday... was interesting to say the least. Went to the Huntsville Forensics Lab. EVERYONE there was very nice. I had been in contact with the Lab Director, Mr. Ginsberg, and I think he was surprised to know that he had been talking to me the entire time. Anyway, had fun. Club meeting. Chik-fil-a. And... yeah. Stuff.

I am coming to another point in my life where things are starting to go well. And when this happens I get worried. That's because good things rarely happen to me and when they do I get scared that something will take it away. I feel like I am bracing myself for some great misfortune so much to the point that I am not entirely sure that I am enjoying the present... I guess we'll see.

I've Been Watching, I've Been Waiting...

2008-06-24T10:21:00.006-05:00

Geez I can't get this song out my head. I guess I might as well post it at the end of this.

So what all has happened since my last post?

Well, Chemistry Club has kept me relatively busy. I've been going to all of the COMPASS Orientations to recruit freshmen and I went with Justin and Stephen to discuss the Biochemistry of Bugs to some little kids at the Hazel Green Library.

The kids seemed more interested in the fact butterflies taste with their feet than the fact that they can sense elevated levels of radiation. Oh well...

Ran my Tournefortia glabra sample last week. The results were negative for any sort of useful natural products. Today I hope to screen my Hydrangea peruviana and Besleria formosa. Each sample run takes about an hour and a half, so two or three a day is about the maximum anyone can really hope to do since other people use the GC-MS.

Hn... ah, yes. Went to Ooltewah with Jon and Danielle. Met her parents. Met her grandparents. Met the ZOMG Baptist Church that was about the size of the bloody Shelby Center. Interesting, to say the least. Jon promptly agreed to see me for Mass next Sunday.

Life at the apartment is nice. I know I will really miss this when it comes time for Fall Semester...

____________
No sleep
No sleep until I am done with finding the answer
Won't stop
Won't stop before I find a cure for this cancer
Sometimes
I feel I going down and so disconnected
Somehow
I know that I am haunted to be wanted

I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

In the shadows

In the shadows

They say
That I must learn to kill before I can feel safe
But I'd rather kill myself than turn into their slave
Sometimes
I feel that I should go and play with the thunder
Somehow
I just don't wanna stay and wait for a wonder

I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

Lately I been walking walking in circles, watching waiting for something
Feel me touch me heal me, come take me higher

I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

I've been watching
I've been waiting
I've been searching
I've been living for tomorrows

In the shadows

In the shadows
I've been waiting

Pura Muerta

2008-05-29T10:38:00.001-05:00

I need to stifle my internal conflicts.

Now.

This is reality.

I deal.

The end.

Machete Conquistador

2008-05-25T01:17:00.002-05:00

Just came back from Costa Rica Wednesday night.

Three weeks of collecting samples and enjoying myself. There is so much to talk about... I kept a journal that Stephanie had provided me with for the trip.

Naturally, though, I left out the bits about alcohol and clubbing. Ha, we all have a few inside jokes now for example, "runway".

Anyway, it was a nice change of pace and now I am back home.

Went to the Daikin Festival last night. And well... hey, at least Steak N Shake was fun! Even though I lead a life of fail... Meh, maybe I can redeem myself Tuesday or so. I just... ergh... anyway. Below are the details of the collected samples.

Essential oil compositions of Monteverde Asteraceae
· Montanoa guatemalensis leaf essential oil (3 samples)
· Verbesina turbacensis bark essential oil
· Clibadium leiocarpum leaf essential oil
· Neomirandea angularis leaf essential oil
· Podachaenium eminens leaf essential oil
See: Setzer et al., Fitoterapia, 2004, 75, 192-200; Moronkola et al., J Nat Med, 2007, 61, 63-66.

Essential oil compositions of Monteverde Annonaceae
· Desmopsis macrocarpa leaf essential oil
· Desmopsis bibracteata leaf essential oil
· Guatteria diospyroides leaf essential oil
· Guatteria costaricensis leaf essential oil
· Cymbopetalum costaricense leaf essential oil
[Include Guatteria oliviformis leaf oil from 2007]

Essential oil compositions of Monteverde Lauraceae
· Persea schiediana leaf essential oil
· Licaria triandra leaf essential oil
· Rhodostemodaphne kunthiana leaf essential oil
See: Setzer & Haber, Nat Prod Commun, 2007, 2, 79-83; Setzer et al., Nat Prod Commun, 2007, 2, 1203-1210. [Include Licaria excelsa leaf essential oil collected in 2005]

Essential oil compositions of Monteverde Araliaceae
· Dendropanax sp. “large leaf” leaf essential oil
· Oreopanax nubigenus leaf essential oil
· Schefflera rodrigueziana leaf essential oil
See: Werka et al., Nat Prod Commun, 2007, 2, 1215-1219; Setzer, Nat Prod Commun, 2008, 3, submitted.

Essential oil compositions of Monteverde Rutaceae
· Casimiroa edulis leaf essential oil (2 samples)
· Zanthoxylum sp. “Peñas Blancas” leaf essential oil
See: Schmidt & Setzer, Nat Prod Commun, 2006, 1, 201-204; Setzer et al., Mol Divers, 2005, 9, 3-13; Boehme et al., Nat Prod Res, 2008, 22, 31-36.

Essential oil compositions of Monteverde Lantana spp.
· Lantana camara leaf essential oil
· Lantana hirta leaf essential oil
· Lantana velutina leaf essential oil (2 samples)
See: Schmidt et al., J Herbs Spices Med Plants, 2006, 12(3), 43-65. [Include Lantana camara essential oils collected in 2000]

Essential oil compositions of leaves and fruits of Eugenia monteverdensis
See: Cole et al., Biochem Systemat Ecol, 2007, 35, 877-886; Stokes et al., Nat Prod Commun, 2007, 2, 1211-1213; Cole et al., J Nat Med, 2007, 61, 414-417.

Floral essential oils from Monteverde, Costa Rica
· Plumeria rubra (Apocynaceae)
· Brugmansia suaveolens (Solanaceae) (3 samples)
See: Lawton et al., Biotropica, 1993, 25, 483-486; Setzer et al., J Ess Oil-Bearing Plants, 2006, 9, 28-31; Setzer et al., Flavour Fragr J, 2006, 21, 244-246.

Essential oil compositions of stem bark and leaves of Brunellia costaricensis (Brunelliaceae)

Miscellaneous Monteverde essential oils
· Tournefortia glabra (Boraginaceae) leaf essential oil
· Hydrangea peruviana (Hydrangeaceae) leaf essential oil
· Besleria formosa (Gesneriaceae) leaf essential oil (2 samples)
· Saurauia montana (Actinidiaceae) leaf essential oil

Smashed Into Pieces

2008-04-30T02:38:00.002-05:00

Never Again.

I'll slit my throat with the knife I pulled out of my spine.

Maybe when you find out that I'm dead you'll realize what you did to me.

[Chorus]

And if my lungs still let me breathe, Would you be there for me?

If I can make myself believe, I'll give you back what you took out.

No, I won't let it go.

Douse myself in gasoline.

So don't save me when you come into the fire.

I'd rather die than have to see your smile.

And if my lungs still let me breathe,

Would you be there for me?

If I can make myself believe,

I'll give you back what you took away.

You made me swear

I, I can't sleep realize all these things that you took from me.

Smash my heart (you made me swear) into dust (you made me swear)

Suffocate my mind (you made me swear)

Tear at me from inside (you made me swear)

Smash apart what you created.

How can I ever stop you from crushing my soul?

It was it was yours, yours to begin with.

And if my lungs still let me breathe,

Will you be there for me?

If I can make myself believe,

I'll give you back what you took away.

Can't seem to find any words to convey what I'm feeling right now... Thought maybe lyrics would help. Finished my last final today and packed. Went to the mall with Leigh, David, Samantha, and Emily and then relocated to the Duck Pond with Samantha and Emily. Talked. Just... yeah...

Inspiration

2008-04-22T00:46:00.003-05:00

I have no idea what was with me today. I think out of my entire day I could honestly only spend about three hours actually studying for my Organic make-up exam that I have today. I can feel my mind wander and it is annoying.

The computer, sadly, is one of my creative outlets and it is readily available. I posted new albums on Facebook and I made a new profile picture on MySpace.

What is interesting about the MySpace picture is that all the text in the background was from an actual conversation (actually multiple conversations) that Emily and I had. It just... seemed fitting, I guess. I was initially worried because the picture I used had my bathroom in the background and I have plenty cliche bathroom pictures, so I cut the rest out and placed it over the text. Made it old film grained and... well... I think it really goes together well.

I just wish I had my focus...

Just Like Heaven

2008-04-21T02:16:00.006-05:00

I can't keep living for a dream. That bridge was burned a year ago... I still feel like there's a hole in my chest and that a big part of me was ripped away. Can I love someone as I did before? Probably not. I'm not so naive anymore. But maybe someone can make things a bit more 'bearable'... And hell, maybe I can be 'fixed'.

So, as with Jon's entry, I decided to make a list of qualities and 'types' if you will that would be desired for a relationship. Granted, you don't chose who you fall in love with, however these are the types of people I prefer.

The Cheerleader/Model

Extroverted
Extremely feminine
Very affectionate
Pure/Carefree attitude
Readily takes the initiative
Energetic
More apt to 'hang out'
More "preppy" in appearance
Not necessarily book smart, but decently street smart
Willing to cook if I'm willing to clean
Sickeningly devoted to me (Think Misa to Light here Death Note fans)

The Art/Indie Girl

Artistic
Once again, feminine
More likely to enjoy nature
"Scene" or "indie" in appearance
Listens to similar music or at least respects mine
Well versed in pop culture
Fashion savvy
Relatively smart
Able to carry on philosophical conversations
Familiar with classic literature

Must Have Attributes for All

First and foremost: Love-No point in having a relationship without it
Loyalty-Not a fan of cheating
Honesty/Trust-Don't give me a reason to doubt you
Decent appearance-Don't mean to sound like a vain ass, but if I'm working out to look decent for you, then I expect the same in return
Respect for family and friends-Parents can be a bit overbearing at times, but they mean well
Devotion-Taking time out of the day just to be in each other's company if only for a little while

It'd be nice to find a girl with these qualities, but I doubt one exists outside of old memories and dreams... Maybe when I die I'll see her again, maybe...

Always A Disappointment

2008-04-18T23:29:00.002-05:00

Yeah, so Mom didn't like the hair. Told me to do whatever.

Won't speak to me.

Personal life. Check.

Family life. Check.

I'm two for two.

Plastered

2008-04-14T02:14:00.004-05:00

Damn you, Quantitative Chemical Analysis, damn you. Ugh... I really don't know what I am going to have in that class. Hell, I'm not so sure I'm even going to pass after that exam. Needless to say I came out of that room devastated. I had studied a full week before the exam to make sure I knew it... shows what good it did me. I'm fucked, I know I am. So, that being said, I promptly had a bit of a breakdown in my room with Danielle and Jon in my presence. To which I demanded hard liquor and expressed my desire to cut my hair because my parents are going to be pissed at me anyway.

They weren't too keen on the immediate haircutting and said that I should at least wait until I had thought about it a few more days. The alcohol, however, was very feasible. Marcy said that he had just opened a bottle of Jose Cuervo tequila and I opted to pay him for the rest. Sadly, it was half empty (yes, I realize I am a pessimist). So, I sat in Danielle's room and drank while watching Silent Hill (I never seem to get sick of that movie). During which, I would routinely ask for a piece of paper and a pen to see how bad my handwriting got through the night. I wrote a total of four times... And the results are amusing... I will have to scan that piece of paper one day... Anyway, half of a liter later, I finished the bottle. Long story short, I ended up throwing up my guts. It's kinda weird because I remember a lot of that night. Some specifics are blurred, but I still recall everything that transpired. Danielle took care of me, Jon cleaned up, Andrew was there (heh, flipped him off six times when he started talking about BAC), and Christin was there in case I needed help changing. It's funny because even then when I was plastered, I still appreciated that I had people there for me... More surprisingly people that were willing to help me when I was like that. I don't think I can really explain it... But it meant a lot... And it still does.

Fast-forward past the hangover and to Friday. Drew came over and I got my hair cut. It was a bit of a compromise. It wasn't a "guy cut" per say, but it was short and I guess I could just try to get used to it. Once again, I had people there with me: Jon, Danielle, Drew, Christin, and Marcy. Ha, the people at the salon had no idea what was going on with so many people.

Saturday I woke up early to go fishing with Derek since the duck pond was open for one day of fishing. We talked a bit while he was fishing and I was taking pictures. Came back, took a nap, went to Angel's with Andrew and got in some studying. Came back, watched him fish while I took pics again, went to Mikawa with Jon. After Mikawa, the three of us visited the Space and Rocket Center to see the last fireworks. It was for some company party, but we didn't care. After the fireworks, we came watched Seven Samurai which was great.

Just in reflection of those three individual days alone I realize how much my friends mean to me and how much I have changed from last year. Last year at this time I wanted to kill myself, but now... Even if things aren't exactly going the way I want, I can still look back and see that there are some great people worth sticking around for if nothing else.

Shattered

2008-04-08T19:14:00.002-05:00

What is trust exactly? Is it giving another person the power to manipulate you and your emotions and hoping that they won't? Why would anyone give another person such capabilities?

Never again.

My expectations for others have been drastically lowered this past year. And to be honest, it hurts a hell of a lot less when you anticipate disappointment.

My childish naivety and trust in the good intentions of others have finally met the harsh reality that most people are relentlessly selfish. This past weekend has only further fortified this assessment. Two accounts, actually. I feel like I am only being told what I want to hear. And... it really hurts. It hurts knowing that these people would never tell me complete truths. It hurts knowing that I used to take everyone's words as "truth". My innocence has been shattered. The blindfold is lifted. People who I once thought were great have turned out to be self-interested ingrates. Victims of circumstance? Maybe... maybe not... Series of bad decisions led them there, but outside forces always contribute.

Granted, I will only grow colder from here... I know that every once in awhile a genuine person is there. I'd like to consider myself one of those few who actually put others first. Maybe I am mistaken... Maybe I'm just like the people I despise. Either way selflessness these days is very underrated...

Let The Flames Begin

2008-03-30T14:45:00.004-05:00

Went to the Paramore concert Friday with Jon, Tim, and Danielle. Phantom Planet, Meese, and Conditions also performed. Phantom Planet was great, I had no idea that they would be at the concert. The drummer for Conditions was pretty raw. He had some really good fills. Messe... shouldn't have been there. The lead singer looked like Elijah Wood and sang too feminine. Wasn't too impressed with their sound. As expected, Paramore was amazing and Hayley was hot.

School is coming back together for me. I'm really glad I dropped Cal B. It's given me more time to focus on other subjects. I still need to work really hard until the end of the semester.

I finished my last counseling session Thursday. Basically told Dr. Bryant that I didn't have time for emotions. Meh, well it's half-true I guess. At least right now I am not in a position where I am free to have any. A relationship would be nice, but I'm in no rush to get my heart fuckin ripped out again. I think trust will be a major issue from now on, sadly. I also don't want to hurt anyone around me, which makes things a bit difficult... But whatever. Life goes on. You don't need another person to survive anyway, right...?

But What Should I Do Once I Know Everything?

2008-03-25T23:18:00.004-05:00

More eventful Spring Break than I had anticipated.

The day after Fort Payne, I went for Confession. It was actually less painful than I had anticipated. In a way I almost felt comforted... Absolution isn't bad either. Had lunch with my sponsor. Did my penance. I had some down time between then and Holy Thursday service so I called a few people up and went to Monte Sano.

Me, Anne, Derek, and Stephanie all went up there. Had a blast. Got in a lot of playtime with my machete. Towards the end of our walk/hike Derek found a snake and kept it for the remainder of the walk/hike. Didn't have enough time to go back to the dorms for my car, so Anne drove me to Saint Mary's and we all went to Holy Thursday service. It was great. Went back home that night.

My grandmother's condition got worse. Spent a few hours with her at the hospital. It tore me apart to see her like that. It reminded me so much of my other grandmother last year when she was in ICU. Oxygen, antibiotic, saline, and morphine. She was drifting in and out of consciousness, but she was still aware of her surroundings. Went to Good Friday service and stayed up here.

Saturday night I got confirmed at the Easter Vigil mass. Mom was still upset when I saw her before the service. She was crying... I hate seeing my mother upset... It makes me feel so helpless.

News came back and the tumor that was on my grandmother's colon was malignant.

Got a call from Mom today saying that there was no sign of the cancer spreading anywhere else, so my grandmother should be alright. So, I am very grateful for that. Right now I am worked hard until Friday when I get to go to the Paramore concert. That should be some incentive.

Fisherman's Horizon

2008-03-19T14:45:00.004-05:00

Came home a little after midnight last night from a day of fishing in Fort Payne. Even though it was really windy and the water was choppy from the waves, I really enjoyed myself. Met Andrew's student, Adam. Andrew, Derek, Joey, Nick, Adam, and myself spent the entire day fishing. Not much was caught. Andrew was the only one of us to catch a crappie.

When I finally came back home Mom told me that my grandmother was sick and dehydrating. She got admitted to the hospital today... I lost my other grandmother last year during this month, but she had been sick. This... was just all of a sudden. I hope it's nothing serious...

This week is also Holy Week. Maunday Thursday, Good Friday, Easter Vigil... I still need to go to confession before Saturday night...

Of Rockstars and Rosaries

2008-03-14T05:51:00.006-05:00

First off, it's about bloody time for Spring Break to start. I HATE Spring semester's endlessness.

So let's see, I had to finally drop Cal B. It took up too much time and I was not getting anywhere with it. I think my other classes could use some more time since I had been neglecting them for Cal B time.

I did some hardcore uber studying last night with my organic. It consisted of a God list of reactions I created, old exams, a 16 oz Rockstar, and a 24 ZOMG-sized Rockstar that resembled the diethyl ether canisters we use in Organic lab. Felt alright about the exam, but we'll see.

Chemistry Club is OFFICIALLY SGA approved and rechartered so rock on, guys. The bake sale went well and we should probably work on getting shirts ordered soon.

Picked my Catholic name that will be used next week. The point of choosing a confirmation name is to pay homage to that saint and well... here (Wikipedia ftw): "...It is customary for a person being confirmed in the Roman Catholic Church (and some Anglican dioceses) to adopt the name of a saint with whom he/she feels a special affinity, thus securing an additional patron saint to be his/her protector and guide. "

Sadly since I am female I could not use Saint Jude, so I chose Saint Alice (Alix). I think I am just as familiar with humility and suffering as she was; and through it all, still knowing that God is there.

Easter Vigil is next week and I still need to go to Confession before I go. THAT will be a fun conversation... So meh, well it's 6:06 and I need to get to bed.

P.S. I went on another drive today since the weather was nice. Visited Monte Sano and Maple Hill.

Mad World

2008-03-07T00:37:00.002-06:00

Well, Midterms came and went already. Looks like I may have to drop Cal B if I didn't so well on this exam. I feel like I am constantly busy. Organic exam next week. Spring Break is too far away. Dad's birthday was the 4th, Jen's is the 16th. My grandmother's one year is the 10th and Mr. G's is the 14th. Paramore concert is the 28th.

Today SGA went to the capitol for Higher Education Day. Fourteen percent tuition increase and faculty cuts? No thank you. Property tax, not income tax. Alabama has an INSANELY low property tax and that is probably why some of our funding suffers. Ugh, I did not want to go into politics in this blog, but whatever.

All systems go on Costa Rica. Passport arrived last week.

Bought a To Write Love on Her Arms shirt. Meh, I liked the one that had Paramore's 'We Are Broken' on the inside. That organization is for a good cause, it helps depression patients.

Mr. Adrian bought me my Arrrgyle shirt from woot! shirts. THANK YOU, ANDREW! The shirt is pirate-y goodness.

Addressed a few things that were bothering me. Talking things out and telling other people how I feel is never easy for me, but I need to get into the habit of it.

"I think all of our Moms would kill us."

2008-02-27T02:11:00.002-06:00

I have come to the conclusion that in order to properly live one's life that random shit must be done every so often to ensure that one is still alive.

Last night was just that.

After a night of studying and Steak-n-Shake after kidnapping Jon, we (Jon, Danielle, and myself) went driving. We went to Monte Sano at 2 a.m. and parked on a curb overlooking the city. Everything looked inferior from where we stood. Danielle had already switched into her pajamas before we left, so I gave her my shoes and took off my socks and jacket. The rain was pouring. But, that view... for the three of us... It was worth it.

After Monte Sano we visited Maple Hill where I do my almsgiving for Lent. It looked so much different at night. We came back around 3:45 or so. It was glorious.

Seize The Day

2008-02-18T11:56:00.002-06:00

Good news and bad news. Good news: the Chemistry Club is coming back full force and I love all of the other officers. Bad news: midterms are coming up and I need to work my ass off for them. Then again though, last year I was more worried about midterms than I was finals. We'll see how things turn out.

Played around with the video that I was making for '07 fall semester/ '08 spring semester. It bothered me how there was no video for the fall semester bit, so I made it just spring semester. I know I will cut it up before the semester is finished, but this is what it looks like right now. Enjoy.

021408

2008-02-14T00:30:00.005-06:00

The concert on the 2nd was great. I had fun and it was nice for everyone to be together. Since then I've been just trying to survive classes, myself, and the ever present problems that encompass the lives of college students.

Still waiting on Dr. Johnson to email me about the lab. I should probably check to see if he has the right email for me. I'd hate to be waiting and he's already started.

Costa Rica is a sure thing too. Sent off for my passport on Monday. I'll check the status of it in a couple of days. Credit hours and being able to be on the beach/rainforest with Nick and Andrew. Sounds like fun to me.

Ugh, I've been in a terribly poetic mood lately. Disgusting really, expecially since that isn't my forte. Thought I'd put it on here to just get it out of my system. The verses have been running through my head. The more I think about the lines the more I think it sounds like some retarded emo poem, but I couldn't find any other way to express the thoughts. And no, this isn't about her. (I'm not David.) But I;d be lying if I said she didn't influence it, because she did. Anyway, whatever.

____

Bitter breezes sent the fallen leaves asunder ripping the concrete as they passed,
Their bodies: breaking, rather screaming in agony with each pass.
The barren trees did too seem to shake from the frigid air.
Heavy, frozen, and tired I gazed upon the tranquil site.
Our sanctuary, our home, our secret place,
Images flooded my mind and smiles haunted me as I took in the night air,
Slowly, deliberately I trace my thumb against your image and allow time to take me back.
We had waltzed in the snow and kissed under the stars exchanging vows of endless love.
Childish naivety.
Locked and swaying feel my body’s urge to collide with the black water.
To fade, to embrace, oh the promises the lake could fulfill.
Again the wind sweeps the beauty of yesterday across the murky terrain,
This time, however, the air pulls me with it,
Something warm, something foreign, yet all too familiar streams,
And upon examination I noticed the droplets were neither from sweat nor blood,
But rather they were the most painful of sacrifice trinity: tears.
I curse the vacant sky.
Who are you to say that there are no demons that burn for absolution, nor angels who deceive?

Happy Valentine's Day...

Long Time Since I've Seen You Smile

2008-02-01T18:27:00.000-06:00

Well, school is clearly back in session since I haven't posted a new blog in about a month. Classes are going well, I suppose. I need to spend more time with my Cal B though, since I have been pushing it aside for everything else.

On a more personal level, I suppose I am doing a better job maintaining my composure in general. Still the regular dreams of her coming back. I try to ignore them now. Keeping myself busy is effective in avoiding those thoughts. Had a new one the night of the 22nd. I felt myself fall from some high scaffold and then shatter. My counselor said that it could have symbolised a time when I felt like I had fallen from a high position. I honestly don't know how important/relevant dreams are. And I hate how cliche this sounds, but I guess my 'soul' was leaving the body and I was being pulled up by some force. The death itself didn't frighten me. All I remember saying was that, 'I need more time...'

Dying without being able to help people is probably the most troubling thought I have. I got my research lab and to be honest, I will probably stay with it until I graduate. I promised I would dedicate my life to this project, and I will.

Ugh, emotional spiel aside, I have been trying to balance the rest of my life out as well as possible. Went to Fort Payne with Andrew and Nick two weeks ago...? Met Andrew's father and then Nick's mother made us dinner. Gym last night with Danielle. Lunch with Stephanie today. Dinner and movie with Van tonight. Lunch, possibly, with Leigh tomorrow. Attempting to spend time with friends when possible, going to the gym twice a week, R.C.I.A. every Wednesday and Mass every Sunday. Feels like a high-wire act sometimes, but it makes the days worth getting through.

God Help the Outcasts

2008-01-06T12:55:00.000-06:00

A New Year...

Praying that it will be an improvement from last year.

Talked to her. I miss talking to her, actually. That is, when she isn't on the topic of religion. Her views have changed, I suppose. On the first day of the New Year we had our little disagreement... Condemnation. Used to it, by now... It just hurts most of all coming from her. I still love her. I will ALWAYS love her. I didn't choose this. I didn't choose to be born this way.

I wish someone would just tell me that it's okay to be myself.

It would be so much easier to live with myself if I didn't believe. But I do... And I'm not quite sure how God judges.

Went to The Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament. My parents bought me a pendant of my patron saint: Saint Jude-The Saint of Hopelessness/Lost Causes. I thought considering my situation that he was fitting.

Films About Ghosts

2007-12-30T19:27:00.000-06:00

Just returned from Kentucky today. My grandfather has a German Shepard puppy to keep him occupied.

It was in the 20s-30s the entire time. No sun. Mostly gray and cloudy with some occasional rain. Felt like a Tim Burton film.

He personally showed me where my grandmother was. There's a glass casing in the living room with her urn and it is surrounded by some of her favorite things.

Saw Bob, Sandra, Glen, Betty, and Mitch while I was there. Played pool. Played several other games. Ha, Bob, my father, and myself sang an entire Counting Crows CD together while we were playing games. Almost sad that we all knew the lyrics to everything.

Heh, I always thought he had a striking resemblance to Pablo Picasso.

May Your Organs Fail Before Your Dreams Fail You

2007-12-03T01:51:00.000-06:00

Catechumenation ceremony today at Saint Mary's. One of the Sponsors, Mort, explained the origin of the ceremony. During a time of persecution by Romans, the Christians had to meet in the catacombs and initiated people down there to make sure there were no Roman spies. Anyway, now if I die I get Catholic burial and I'm closer to getting confirmed.

This entire semester has been a blur. By credit hours, I believe, I will be a junior. I'm happy with that, but I was disappointed with me and my Organic. Need to work harder.

It kills me to see people who don't care about college or people who are given scholarships and just waste them.

Even worse, people who get jobs that don't help others. Yes, I know any job can help better the world for others in some way. But are you really content staying in retail the rest of your life? Will that help peace negotiations? Will that cure cancer? Ergh... maybe I just expect too much. I want degree because I want my job and I want my job because I want help others.

'What man is a man who does not make the world better?'

I wish everyone were more passionate about their future professions for the shear purpose that it may one day help someone else.

All is Well in Hell

2007-11-12T22:11:00.000-06:00

Keep having those dreams again. Twice this week, actually... She's always coming back... She's always apologizing and telling me how much she still loves me... I don't understand why I'm still dreaming like this... I know she's happier... And I'm glad...

Heh... on one of my late night drives I saw a doe... Made me think that maybe God hasn't forgotten about me... I can't describe how I felt. The fact that it was a doe kinda reminded me about Severus and Lily... Stupid reference, yes, but stilll...

I Remember Halloween

2007-11-01T14:33:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was nice.

Went as a Slytherin student complete with Dark Mark on forearm for my classes.

At night I switched costumes to my Victorian vampire costume. I added a silver domino mask and my Cavelier hat and made it more of a masquarade attire.

Leigh and I traversed the campus at night and then went to the U.C. for the event.

Cemetery Drive

2007-10-27T20:44:00.000-05:00

Wow, I haven't updated since Big Spring Jam. I've been slacking.

Let's see...

I guess just this past month has gone by quickly. I love October. It is my favorite month of the year.

Anyway, went to the American Diabetes Association's 'Step Out' Walk.

Mom's birthday was yesterday, my grandmother's was today.

Been REALLY busy with school.

Went to the Renaissance Faire today. Saw many of my pirate brethren! It was great.

Personally though... I finally have an indescribable clarity about everything...

It is finally all making sense now, and I know what I need to do.

Accomplish goals first. Protect. Richard Cory. It's all so simple.

Relief

2007-09-29T01:34:00.000-05:00

Today was great!

First day of Big Spring Jam and the weather was perfect.

Got to see Soul Asylum and Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.

I'm glad things are finally winding down and giving me a break.

Thank you, God.

Two more days of Big Spring Jam and they should be great too.

I honestly can't wait.

Heart of Glass

2007-09-27T21:25:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I'm listening to this tbh.

I was never much of a Blondie fan, but it's a good song.

Ergh, so it would've been out five year anniversary today.

Still in shock that she got married last week... Her life. Not mine.

Biotech seminar today was amazing.

Dr. Allan S. Hoffman from the University of Washington presented it.

I am so glad to get September out of the way after this weekend.

Big Spring Jam is going to rock.

Hell Month

2007-09-09T00:15:00.000-05:00

I hate September, I really do.

I have something going on almost everyday and in the back of my mind are dates and previous events that I can't seem to forget.

Wake me when September ends.

...

2007-09-03T23:01:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday...

Equilibrium

2007-08-21T20:53:00.000-05:00

Finally, things are falling into place. Moved into my dorm Friday. LOVE it. I get to be with my friends and get a degree at the same time. Here are some pics of the new place.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

2007-08-13T20:23:00.000-05:00

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Even if things do not stay as they once were, there is always evidence of their existance. On a molecular level, there are side reactions. But on a personal level, there is so much more...

One Week

2007-08-10T23:20:00.000-05:00

One week until I finally move back into the dorms.

I can't wait for fall semester.

So much has changed though...

I'm hoping to take in every moment this semster though and for once, try to enjoy myself.

Parents

2007-08-04T23:14:00.000-05:00

Let me give a disclaimer that this will be more of a rant than any sort of insight into life.

That being said let's get started...

I see so many ungrateful kids now today that it is disgusting.

Maybe it was because I was taught the importance of family at a young age that I feel this way, but honestly... why don't kids respect/honor/spend time with their parents?

I am mature enough to know that everything my parents did for me was out of love. I don't always agree with their decisions, but I know that they were always trying to protect me. I know this.

But today, for so many kids to bitch about their parents, it gets quite annoying really. Sometimes, yes, I know their whining is legitimate, but no matter what their blood still courses through your veins and nothing will ever change that.

Even as you grow-up: SPEND TIME WITH YOUR BLOODY PARENTS. They will not always be alive. Help them do things, watch t.v. with them, something! Do not look to them as a source of money rather than one of the most influential people in your life!

I don't care if you were given the worst parents in the world, they still gave birth to you and you still need to respect them.

Therapy

2007-07-31T22:44:00.000-05:00

I have finally found an outlet for some of my emotions.

I originally started it out as another comic, but then decided that my drawing abilities couldn't keep up with my ideas.

So as of yesterday I have been writing a story to keep me occupied.

It is doubling as effective therapy.

Roses are for Remembrance

2007-07-30T13:05:00.000-05:00

Seven years...

Still trying to keep my promise.

Times are more difficult.

But you already know that.

Rest in peace.

Z.L.H.

Science in Life: Part I

2007-07-28T21:13:00.000-05:00

Another car crash.

Another young man sent to a nursing home because of brain damage.

Hopes. Dreams. All shattered in an instant.

The nerve cell.

The neuron.

A single transmitter connected to a system of other cells to send electrical signals throughout the entire human body.

We have been able to re-establish neuron connectivity through other parts of the body.

But why not the brain?

Why must people have to endure a life where they are not mentally conscious?

There must be a way to fix this...

No one should have to go through life like that...

Lyrics: Part V

2007-07-27T00:16:00.000-05:00

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Probably

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

Yes, the entire song deserved to go on here. Every verse because unlike a few songs I think this one is consistant. It describes a nervous breakdown pretty accurately.

Fearless

2007-07-26T22:16:00.000-05:00

Today I have come to the realization that nothing really frightens me any longer.

My worst nightmares have already came and past, and chances are that I have already conjured up the worst scenarios left in my life.

I feel nothing when I think of these.

I analyze each in terms of variables and probability.

Everything happens for a reason, so what is the point in worrying about it?

I don't know if this is a just a numbing phase that I am experiencing or if my mind has exchanged emotion for logic.

All I know is that I currently have nothing to fear.

Hoist the Colours High

2007-07-25T11:32:00.000-05:00

Bloody hell I'm pissed that Pirate Master got cancelled!

I will have to watch the rest of it online now.

I swear, the only show I ever actually made time for and it got taken off the air.

I guess I can understand though, I don't think that I have ever actually seen a commercial for it. More than likely it just didn't get enough publicity to be known.

Anyway, I rechecked IMDB the other day and they changed some things. The Spanish Pirate Lord IS Captain Villanueva. I suppose the first time they spelled it they had a typo.

But yeah, I knew there was a reason for being a pirate.

I would love to just carelessly sail for treasure, drink rum, and be with my friends.

Hospice

2007-07-19T22:18:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week my mother told me that hospice was called-in already for her uncle, my great uncle David.

I have often wondered what the purpose of a hospice was...

Was it for hope?

Preparation?

Company?

To me they seem like a false sense of security.

People who come in tell you that everything is going to be alright and that you are loved when in reality you are dying and alone.

Do those passing into the next life need such feigned hopes?

Brother

2007-07-18T22:27:00.000-05:00

My brother and his girlfriend broke up again the other day. As far as I know, they have been in a on-again off-again relationship since high school.

I know he loves her, otherwise he wouldn't keep taking her back.

It was ironic to hear the news since the last time they were at the hosue they were talking about marriage.

I know how my brother feels, and hell, we're probably more like each other in the aspect than I am willing to admit.

I just never really gave it thought on to how we never really connected like I did with my sister.

Maybe we never really tried to understand each other or the fact that we are too different.

Family is a blessing and it's great to spend time with them.

I hope one day we will see each other eye-to-eye rather than ignorant of each other.

Lyrics: Part IV

2007-07-16T20:54:00.000-05:00

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion...
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow
Just to prove I knew how
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all

I don't think much explanation is really needed for this.

Good song.

Good lyrics.

Basically, life wrapped into one song.

Variety

2007-07-14T21:37:00.000-05:00

I have come to the realization that very few people are well-rounded when it comes to films and music.

As much as I love hardcore and punk rock I still listen to random things such as death metal, show tunes, etc.

When it comes to films I'll watch foreign films as well as indie films.

I guess people just stick with what they are most comfortable with and never give anything else a chance.

Amends

2007-07-12T18:47:00.000-05:00

Well, I visited him today. Updated him on everything, I'm pretty sure that he knows every last detail already though. Made me feel better to just talk to him. I don't know... Maybe if he had known me he would have hated me like so many others I tend to piss off. I guess I will have to wait to see his feelings towards me are. Anyway, I talked about my promise and how it is more and more difficult to keep since she keeps running away. I think he understands, but I don't want to fail him. I always keep my promises, the important ones anyway... I asked for a sign that things are going to get better and I think he gave me one. I think I'll visit him more often. I don't think he gets much company...

Wounds That Will Not Seal

2007-07-10T23:11:00.000-05:00

I love how my physical state begins to mirror my emotional state. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Ugh.

It's getting worse.

I can already tell that my knee from tournament is never going to heal correctly.

Damn scar tissue.

It's not just there.

It's been happening a lot lately actually.

These 'cuts' end up looking more like 'burns'.

With my active lifestyle I guess I can only expect more of these.

Ha, if I ever get in a wreck I will be nothing but scar tissue.

I sympathize with Deadpool who has to live with a regenerative factor and a scared body.

Great. Just great.

I wish things would heal normally.

But now that I think about it I'm beyond caring at this point.

Does it matter?

I'm sure I'm already an eyesore, this would probably only add to it.

Fuck it.

There's always a chance that there may be someone out there that can just look past that.

Lyrics: Part III

2007-07-07T23:49:00.000-05:00

Intending to burn, pretending to fight it
Everyone learns faster on fire
Things took a turn, lost all desire
You live and you burn
You live and...

Like hell, we are anxiously waiting
Like hell burning silently strong
Somehow we fell down by the wayside
And somehow this hell is home

Granted, things aren't perfect right now I know that they could always be worse.

Hell is not a place, it's a state of mind. Even Milton wrote, "The mind is its own place, and in itself/Can make a Heav’n of Hell, a Hell of Heav’n". My problem is that I over analyze. When I don't mean to, my mind wanders. An inquiring mind is both a gift and a curse. I cannot manage to 'turn it off'. But for right now, this Hell is my home...

Choices

2007-07-06T09:17:00.000-05:00

I have been loyal and honest for five years.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
When you had no car I would wait for you to arrive at school despite the weather.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I survived on a diet of Gatorade and Rice Crispy Treats for an entire school year so you could have lunch.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have skipped soccer practices in order to set things right with you.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
When you were sad I would hold you and sing ‘our song’ to make you smile.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have stood up and defended you from slander several times and even had private discussions with people who have offended you.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I would always squeeze onto the edge of the bed to sleep so you would have plenty of space to sprawl out.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have endured painful one-way arguments from my parents for defending you.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
At fairs and other games I would always win you prizes to show off and keep.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
In high school I gave you roses for each important day to us.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have bleed for you to protect your honor.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I was willing to welcome a *beep* child into the world with you and raise it as my own.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have sat back and watched as you publicly displayed your promiscuous behavior around others while we were together and yet endured it.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have avoided killing or harming anything out of respect of your beliefs.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I proposed to you on Valentine’s night and loved you with all of my heart since we first met.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have worked diligently to secure a future for us and our children so that we may live comfortably.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have visited you when I knew harsh judgment awaited me if I was to be seen.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
When we made love I always made sure you were pleased before I allowed myself to finish.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
For every holiday, I have spent my last cent or even when I had no money I have done my best to present you with a gift that you would not be ashamed of receiving.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have ‘dated’ people that I had absolutely no interest in at all in order for us to be together.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have told white lie after white lie to spend more time with you.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have protected you when you were intoxicated.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
Ha, I have asked a couple for a biscuit on Winter Formal night so you wouldn’t starve.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
I have spent endless amounts of hours talking to you at night on the phone just to hear your voice.
If he treats you better than that, let me know.
He may just be the one for you, but until hep proves himself I will always be more of a man to you than he will ever be.

I wrote this back in May and I guess I felt like posting it considering the circumstances...

What are you doing with your life...? You used to have everything planned out and be enthusiastic about your future career. Now you're just throwing school away all together to go live with him? Who are you going to help by doing that, other than yourself? I used to respect you so much for wanting to help people like me... I remember one of the last nights at the dorm where you told me to 'get over it' because she 'didn't die'. Does it matter? It still resulted in PTSD. I didn't choose this.

So what was your plan in staying up there for a few months? You going to get married because too many of your friends down here would object to it? You're going to get pregnant and you're never going to finish college...

If a self-fulfilling life is what you want, then by all means go for it. I just thought you better than that at one time...

Fourth

2007-07-04T13:09:00.000-05:00

Well, today is Independence Day.

Plans for the day... Have some sort of get-together at four and take it from there.

I'm going to miss my Dad when he leaves this weekend... He's really been there for me more than I ever thought he would. He's pretty much been my counselor and he understands me more now, I think. To have him all the way in Alaska is a pain, but I can still talk to him on the phone.

I hope everyone spends time with their family today and enjoys every moment.

I guess that's what I've been doing recently is living for the moment. I know more than anyone that it can all be taken away in an instant... I think there are a few loose ends I need to attend to, just in case.

Only in Dreams...

2007-06-30T08:44:00.000-05:00

Haven't written in about a week... Things have been busy I guess.

I just woke up from another dream about her...

In this one we talk things out and everything is alright.

She falls asleep in my arms again.

To be quite honest I don't know how to feel about all these dreams.

Are they to give me hope? Or are they to taunt me with the impossible?

I really don't know why...

But for that brief moment when I actually believe the dream to be real... I'm happy.

This is certainly what Hell must be like...

Hellfire

2007-06-24T00:48:00.000-05:00

Wow... what to write. I know a few people read this so let me shy away from the specifics.

So much in so little time.

It's consuming me.

Even if I did want to elaborate it is entirely too much to explain.

I don't know what the future holds or if it even exists for me for that matter.

All I know is that something needs to change before I let this take over my life again.

I need someone who can calm me down, someone to tell me it will be alright and never leave my side.

In a terrible X-Men allusion, I need my Emma Frost.

Lyrics: Part II

2007-06-20T23:30:00.000-05:00

Next is a trip to the, the ladies room in vain, and
I bet you just can´t keep up with these fashionistas, and
Tonight, tonight you are, you are a whispering campaign.
I bet to them your name is "Cheap", I bet to them you look like shh...

Talk to the mirror, oh, choke back tears.
And keep telling yourself that "I´m a diva!"

Oh how true. Way too many people in this world that have to give themselves that confidence by saying that they are amazing. Good God, people, get a life. No, you're not as great as you think you are, so don't act like you're special. You're not. Everyone is unique, yes, but only a select few people actually have the impact that many others wish they had.

Another thing, if I have to hear another spoiled brat between the ages of 10-25 fuckin' sing 'Girlfriend' or try to relate it to her life in anyway then I will bloody drive to Canada and kill Avril myself. No. You're not a princess. No, you're not precious. You need to be shot.

In short, be yourself. You're not above anyone and stop lying to yourself about everything to appear 'better'. SO many people could use this advice.

Lack of Focus

2007-06-18T23:30:00.000-05:00

I've noticed that I have been caring too much about impractical things.

I need to get back on track.

I have so much that I need to be doing and on the other hand I need to enjoy life.

This week should be fun.

Let's see how well this balancing act goes.

Battle Scars

2007-06-17T20:56:00.000-05:00

Finally came home from soccer this evening.

After five soccer games I came out with two cut up knees which at one point my leg was covered in blood (ha, it was nice) , two friction burned shoulders, a jammed finger (which I promptly 'unjammed' during the game), and plenty of bruises.

And I have to say...

I enjoyed every second of it.

Masochist?

Maybe.

I think it makes me feel more alive than anything else, but I got those injuries by helping my team, so that was even more rewarding to have physical proof that I contributed.

Ergh, I'm sore at the moment though plus I have a Cal II test tomorrow morning.

End blog.

Song for Me By Kev

2007-06-13T23:40:00.000-05:00

She is a sword master.
nobody would kill you faster,
sometimes she gets so pissed off
so i've made it my mission to get her
to a gay bar
maybe then she'll be happy
and ill finally see her smile like she used to,
back before that skank used her
shes my best friend,
the one, the only.
and i love seeing her smile
i'd do anything that it takes
just to see her smile.

Ha, I was asked a survey question on if I ever had a song written for me and since I didn't Kevin wrote one. It made me smile.

Anyway, I will be gone until Sunday when I come back from the tournament.

Wish us luck.

Always...

2007-06-12T22:52:00.000-05:00

Always a knight, never a prince.

I am loyal, I obey, and I am honest.

Never have I deceived you.

If this is what you want then so be it.

At least it will keep me close to you.

So when everyone turns their backs on you AGAIN I will be the only one standing there to defend you... AGAIN...

I'll always be here for you, just like I promised...

Friends

2007-06-11T23:21:00.000-05:00

Yeah, this one goes out to all the people who have stood by me.

Now more than ever I am realizing how many friends I have and that they actually care.

I know I am not the most social person nor am I the most friendly, but to all those who have stayed with me... thank you.

You all mean so much to me.

God knows what I would be without you all.

I know i never really thank you all personally, but know that I do appreciate you all.

You guys mean so much to me.

Lyrics: Part I

2007-06-10T23:00:00.000-05:00

...May your organs fail before your dreams fail you...

I was listening to a new song by The Matches when I heard that line in the lyrics. I have this innate ability to compare songs meanings to my life. Honestly, I think everyone really does that.

Anyway, this particular line caught my attention because it mirrored something I once said along the lines of, "I would rather die young and full of potential than older as a failure." So many people around me expect so much and I fear letting all of them down.

Even without the idea of the future, I also applied this to (of course) my situation. I would have much rather died than lived to see such an important part of my life disappear.

I wish this for anyone, that they would die happy and oblivious to reality rather than depressed and a failure.

Breaking

2007-06-09T23:02:00.000-05:00

Well... I finally did it. I snapped at my mother. She has been telling me how much I have not been eating and I finally couldn't take it anymore...

I have no appetite.

She doesn't understand.

I don't think anyone really does.

I wonder if she is having the same problem...

Always on My Mind...

2007-06-08T12:40:00.000-05:00

I can only imagine that God is being merciful to me. I have still been having dreams about her. They all seem so real... We are happy and things are perfect. I swear I can feel her cheek when I touch her face and the detail and warmth of her smile is so real... Ha, she would probably be a little disturbed knowing that I dream about her so often, but it makes me wonder if she ever thinks of me.

She is always on my mind.... but I wonder, am I ever on hers...?

When I said forever and always I meant it... Did she...?

Maybe she was telling the truth, maybe she is just better at hiding it, but I find that difficult to believe.

Maybe these dreams are something to keep me looking forward to life, or maybe they are just an excess of thoughts that my unconscious decides to focus. Whatever they are they give me hope, whether it be false and/or misguided, it still gives me hope.

Hectic

2007-06-07T23:10:00.000-05:00

Well, another overly booked Thursday in my life. The majority of the day was spent at school from 8-5 leaving me mentally exhausted and then I went to soccer practice from 6-8 to make me physically exhausted as well.

Speaking of which, the coach informed us that as of now we are currently one of the top 20 teams in the United States right now. Seeing as only the top 25 go to Nationals in Hawaii, we have already been invited to participate in the tournament. I don't know if we will go, we still need to play this Sectional tournament next week, but I am very excited about the opportunity. Not many people can say that they won at State level, but to play at National level? Athletes only dream of such possibilities. It is amazing how sports can change your life.

Right now I am sore from today's events and just thinking about it is rewarding...

I wonder if she would be proud...

Comics

2007-06-06T23:05:00.000-05:00

I feel the need to re-read some of my older ones and possibly read more.

Sad, I know.

End blog.

High Stakes Poker

2007-06-05T23:07:00.000-05:00

So everyone is dealt their own cards.

Some are better than others.

Bluffing comes in handy a lot.

When you're in trouble look cool and calm.

Simple enough.

Make others sweat.

Everyone has a chance.

Some odds are better than others.

They just have to play their cards right.

Just have to keep telling yourself not to fold...

That's the difficult part.

So the question comes: where is everyone at in the game right now...?

Mad House

2007-06-04T23:34:00.000-05:00

The "irreconcilable differences" between this house and our front yard neighbors has finally reached a breaking point.

After stealing/dealing drugs/trashing the house which does not even belong to them and running into our mailbox several times our neighbors have finally driven my mother over the edge by parking an RV in front of our driveway when my grandmother tried to leave.

This made her look for the actual owners who have both passed away.

The parents of the usurper of the house live next door to her and upon hearing of my mother's interest on the ownership of the house he went crazy... A highly medicated man, he tore his house apart and cursed my mother.

There is an uneasy feeling now between the three houses.

I just hope no one tries to do anything stupid...

On the Bright Side...

2007-06-03T22:44:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am still thinking of her. Yes, I always think of her. And no, no matter how much I have tried to turn my pain into hate it doesn't work. I suppose I will just have to accept the fact that I will never really "get over" her. I just wish she knew how much I love her...

Anyway, enough of dwelling.

Current events for the day:

Went to Huntsville and owned on a shooter with my sister's boyfriend.

After that we saw Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End which was amazing. The pirate lord from Spain was Captain Vallenueva which is a variation of Villanueva and it was even pronounced the same way. My father who had seen the movie earlier told me that when he saw it he smiled and thought the Captain sounded like his father when he spoke. So, those were the bright spots for the day.

Other than that nothing else much happened.

I'll end it here.

I have to wake up early to get some gas in the morning before school.

Lame.

Numb

2007-06-02T12:07:00.000-05:00

It was one week from when she started blocking me and I asked how she was doing and she finally told me...

She told me I was dead to her.

I am no longer allowed to talk to any of her family again.

Nor am I to try and contact her ever.

At first I couldn't breathe...

I can't even begin to explain the vast amount of emotions twisting inside.

Did she ever love me?

O r was all of it a lie...?

How can you just cut out someone you claimed to have loved?

Now I feel a different pain or rather no pain at all.

I don't know how to describe it.

It hurts more than anything ever, yet now it feels normal.

I would love to blow my brains out in front of her just to give her an idea of how it feels. Maybe by such a vivid illustration she could grasp what I am currently feeling.

If I am going to live like this I will no longer let myself be this weak ever again.

For a girl to make someone want to die every second like this...

It's not right.

From now on everything will be like an equation.

Cold, hard science.

At least this way I will never have to feel like this again.

Of Masques and Martyrs

2007-06-01T22:44:00.000-05:00

What if you had the power to change your appearance and your identity and start over again new?

Would it be a fair trade?

One life for another?

There was a time when I seriously considered the French Foreign Legion as a career possibility. To have the power to fade away from everyone else's memory as if just a memory of a memory in all of those around you. Joining the Legion would have given me French citizenship and a new identity. There are times when I think that if I had the possibility to start over that I would take it, but then I worry about certain family members and certain friends that just might care that I would disappear forever.

...Or would they?

Oh, to see her face on the announcement of my death. What I wouldn't give to see that. She would mourn for awhile and of course he would play the "nice guy" role and comfort her all the while taking advantage of the situation similar to one of his predecessors. And within a week I would be completely forgotten.

But what if we were to meet again under different circumstances...?

To kill one life and to give rise to another.

Fair trade.

However, I suppose I will attempt to dissuade myself from ever doing such a thing seeing as it is irrational.

But if all else fails mercenary or legionaire both sound like potential candidates.

From Thermopylae to Dune

2007-05-31T23:09:00.000-05:00

Today was my "full" day of classes. From 8:15 to the unforgiving time of approximately 5:30 I had lab I was in class (with an exception of a 45 minute lunch break of course). I do not mind the Physics so much as I do the Calculus. If I can make it past this Cal II class I will have little to worry about in future academic endeavors.

I managed to finish my lab early, so I paid her father a visit. He is a great man. I am glad that we get to have these visits, and I am sure he enjoys the company. We talk about so much. Maybe she never really tried to talk to him, she said that she has, but the way he speaks seems to prove otherwise. I do not know which story to be believe on the lack of communication between the two, but I do know that he has a lot on his mind. He loves his daughter so much and only wants the best for her. There are times when I wonder if she knows how much he cares about her.

We watched a bit of Dune, some BMX competition, and all the while managed to ramble on about life and our thoughts of movies. Ha, he has similar taste in films as I do which I find very surprising. Then we transitioned to more personal topics like the topic of my nephew, his concerns about his daughter's well-being, his siblings, his attempt at Western Civ in college, and so-forth. He agreed with me on the importance of family which gave me hope that I was not alone in my belief.

I hope to make our conversations a weekly habit. We get to talk about a lot of random topics. I feel bad though because I know he probably doesn't see people that often. I wish I could visit more frequently, but I think only Thursdays will have to suffice. Even if she never wants to talk to me again I would still like to visit her father. I admire him so much for what he has went through and dealt with during his lifetime.

Right after my visit I had to hurry home and get dressed for soccer practice. We lost two of our newer players to summer school classes that they couldn't avoid during the time of the tournament. Pity. They were very talented. I believe our coach has already attempted to find two more players to fill their spots. This weekend we have to do several fund raisers to pay for all of our tournament neccessities. The target goal is three-thousand dollars. I find this slightly too optimistic for a handful of people to obtain. If we make it to Finals then we have a year to raise forty-thousand according to our coach. Once again, he is expecting too much. Another problem arises with the thought of Finals as well. If they are next year then I may or may not be able to participate seeing as I am currently 19 and this is a 19 and under team. Logically I would still be able to play since I joined last fall, but I have seen stranger things happen...

Dreams

2007-05-30T09:20:00.000-05:00

I woke up during the middle of the night again. Same reason as always: dreams. I don't know if they are meant to taunt me or to give me hope. Either way, I still continue to have them. Thankfully, though, they are not the usual nightmares. In fact, most of them are relatively happy. And as usually, they are all about her.

Last night I managed to sleep-dream-wake-sleep-and dream again. Both dreams were about her and setting things right. They both seemed to be plausible enough to happen under real-life circumstances. There are times I wonder if she ever thinks of me... Probably not. I meant everything I have said to her. Our common vow of "forever and always", did that really not mean anything to her?

There are times when I question love itself. I know that it is only a series of reactions within the brain, but what about on a more personal level? Can people really honestly love each other as much as they claim? I find this a troubling matter. I think that in relationships one person will love the other more and yet the other merely feigns to love just as much. I have become so skeptical recently and I apologize for that.

Maybe I should go back to sleep. She still loves me there.

Blood, Sweat, and Glory

2007-05-29T20:30:00.000-05:00

Our first soccer practice for Regionals was today and I have to admit that I was very excited. Our team looks promising even though we will have a minimal amount of subs. Two of our players will not be attending, but we picked up three new players from a team we defeated in State. The new players will strengthen our offense primarily, so that is good news for the other main striker. Our coach even told us that we are among the top 100 teams in the country at the moment which gave us all more encouragement.

I want to tell her so bad... I don't brag. In fact I don't even think she knows that I shut-out all the goals at State. Maybe if I come back a hero from something even bigger than State she will love me for it. I find myself constantly trying to think of ways to win her approval. Pointless? Possibly, but it drives me to work harder. I remember her saying that soccer was stupid and a waste of time and that I never got anything from it. True, I may not have had the chance to play for the college team, but in those brief 45 minute halves I'm free... When I'm out on the field nothing can touch me.

Anyway...

In about two weeks I will be given a chance to prove myself.

We may not have many players, and we may not all be from the same area, but I think if we stand together that we will win this tournament.

End of the Beginning and the Beginning of the End

2007-05-28T19:44:00.000-05:00

Well, I decided to join this. I have to admit this is my first time writting really in a blog/journal type thing. I'm sure this will be looked at and scoffed at by others, but I don't care. I need to let some thoughts and emotions out anyway.

This summer has been pure hell for me. God must have a sense of humor to let this continue. I still love her more than ever, and it would be much easier if I didn't. Everyone I have talked to said that I need to move on and that they knew that was 'the way she was'. But what about when we were together? They didn't see that side of her... Sometimes I wonder if I really did either. She's with him, now and she's happy. The other day I confronted her with some theories to why it fell apart and she did not want to hear me out.

First, I pointed out that she probably feels intellectually intimidated by my and not by him. Then I proceeded with examining my emphasis on the importance of family, something she hated about me. I know things weren't perfect in her family life, but hell, who's family life is perfect anymore anyway? I had spoken with her father previously that week, and I have to admit that I felt very sorry for him. He told me openly that he felt like he was just being used and that he doesn't know anything that's going on with his daughter anymore. He told me that she left because it is what she always does when things get difficult, she runs. Maybe he is right. Maybe that is what she is doing and maybe I'm the cause this time. Whatever the reason I told her that she should try and spend more time with him when she is around the area. So she said that she's tried and I challenged her statement... That is where she did not forgive me. Was it so wrong of me to try to help both of them by being honest? I suppose I would rather be yelled at and hated and my words taken into consideration rather than remain quiet and have her regret it the rest of her life. Lastly, I pointed at the reason that she blamed me entirely for: my insecurity. But I was not alone in this aspect, rather she further catalyzed it by being overflirtatious and seeking a jealous reaction out of me.

She was enraged by my theories and said she hated me... I asked them in order to fix things, not to further hinder. At the moment she refuses to speak to me. On all messengers I have been blocked and on MySpace I have been deleted. She had told me before that this break-up hurts her just as much. Sadly I do not believe that. She has someone. She can and does forget about me all the while I feel myself drifting in and out of potentially suicidal thoughts. She was right. I have become "unhinged". I have never loved someone so much, and even now when she hates me I still love her more than anything. We have done so much and I have so many memories with her, but I am afraid she doesn't even care. She knows I am in pain and chooses to ignore it and claim that it is merely attention-driven self-pity. There are times where I wonder if she personally felt what I was going through then maybe she would understand, but she doesn't even want to fathom what this is.

So once again I hear the ringing words of "move on" in my head. Can I? At this point I am clearly emotionally unstable and on the verge of breaking. Even if I did find another person I could never love them as I love her and I would be far too much trouble to deal with at the moment.

So what is this? A beginning? An end? Both? Or neither? My head hurts and my chest is burning. Thinking, remembering, loving, hating. It is all too much for me right now. Is this what she wants me to feel? Is that what this really is...? I need to focus... Stop dwelling. It's an overreaction, that's all. Nothing more. I need to press on for better or worse. She's not with me anymore. I need to accept that. But then my mind starts to question on whether I am going to go down without a fight... or not...